Little Victories, Week 47

Welp, we haven’t done one of these in a while!

– Reached 75 pages on my thesis.  Over halfway there, with about 45 pages to go before the chapters are completed!  I can do this!

– Finished the rough draft of Book II of “Fallen Beyond Salvation”.  Guys, I am so in love with this book series.  You don’t even understand.

– Started hard editing Book I.  Editing SUCKS.  I’ll tell you that for free.  I get myself through it by telling myself, over and over again, that it will be worth it, that after the hard edits are done, I can send it off to beta readers and we can actually START getting feedback.  I’m nervous as hell, but hopefully it will go well.

– Completed NaNoWriMo!  This is something I’ve wanted to do since I first heard of it in 2006, and I managed to do it!  I hit 50,000 words yesterday.  So very happy with that.

– ALMOST finished a baby hat for a shower I’m going to tomorrow.

I’ve done pretty well this week, guys!  I’m getting stuff done, and I’m making myself happy.  And as a nice change from the last, oh, month or so, I’m sleeping a lot more and drinking less coffee.  That realization, a few weeks ago, from Dr. LW, that I was not going to finish my thesis by December (and that it was insane of me to ever think that I would) was really a wake-up call that I could not keep putting myself through this.  I needed to slow down, try to enjoy life and take care of myself a little better.  Fortunately, I’m learning, and it’s getting a little easier.  I’m going to be great.  Gonna get it all done, balance everything in my life, hit every deadline, and make it all happen.

I’ve got this.  In the end, my grandfather was right.  2013 was my year.

Little Victories, Week 32

I haven’t done one of these since I got divorced.  And guys, there were barely any victories this week.  Because all of my being has been centered on not completely melting into a mess.

My parents went on vacation this past Monday.  My sister broke her leg two weeks ago.  That meant…that I’ve been staying at their house since Monday.  I haven’t been to my apartment.  I haven’t seen my kitties.  I’ve barely had any time or space to call my own.  I miss my bed.  I miss my cats.  I miss my free time.

But I’m getting it all back tomorrow.  So that’s something.

In the past week, I basically was fetch-and-carry for my younger sister.  I fed cats.  I cleaned litterboxes (and for eight cats, that’s no small task).  I fed the birds.  I watered the plant.  I emptied the dehumidifiers.  I cleaned up vomit.  I took Scout (one of my parents’ many cats) to the vet for her surgery, and I’ve been giving her pills (4 a day) ever since — and you can imagine how well that goes over.  The term “like a lead balloon” comes to mind.

I am very, very glad to relinquish all of those roles and jobs when my parents come home from the Cape tomorrow.

Other than that, the only real “little victory” that I had is: Learned to sew.  Which I went over in this entry.  Progress picture there.  I haven’t done anything since then.  Be impressed.

 

Most of this week has gone by in a gigantic blur.  I can’t remember most of what I did, besides cooking and chores.  And trying to sleep.  And failing to sleep.

Next week, guys.  Next week is Wildfire and hopefully I’ll get a little of myself back.

 

Little Victories, Week 28

We are more than halfway through the year.  Hard to believe, guys!

It’s also hard to believe that I am still writing these “Little Victories” entries even though I skip them all the time.  Huh.

You know the drill.

– Got divorced.  That is, seriously, the biggest victory this year (I think).  I didn’t break down (in public), I didn’t lose my shit, and when it was over, I felt the weight of the world fall from my shoulders.  There is literally nothing left to do, except for file for an annulment in the Catholic Church.  But that’s such a little hump that I’m not worried about it, at least not yet.  Don’t borrow trouble and all that.

– Went to NYC and didn’t have a freakout on the train.  Anxiety disorder + public transportation + agoraphobia = usually doesn’t end well.  But I went with the fabulous Miss Nicki to New York City on Tuesday evening and had zero issues whatsoever.  It was an amazing night.  I only wish that Nicki and I hadn’t had to work in the morning so we could have stayed later than 9:30 PM.

 

– Rescued a baby kitten.  It was stuck in the oil trap of a car that was driving through the neighborhood where I work.  Kitty is a female, about four weeks old, and is currently being fostered by Nicki and her husband until a forever home can be found for her.  She’s intensely cute and very curious.  I’m hoping she finds a good forever home soon!

 

This weekend, I’m headed off to Massachusetts to stay with Amy and Doug, and see a whole bunch of people.  We were planning on hitting the beach tomorrow but rain might get in the way of our plans.  Not worried in the slightest, I’m excited!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Little Victories, Week 27

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week MOST weeks (let’s not even kid ourselves anymore), for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

– Finished and sent off the final draft of my thesis prospectus.  I haven’t heard anything from Dr. LW, so I’m assuming that no news is good news and that my paper is on it’s way to (or on the desk of) the Dean of Graduate Studies, and I’m waiting for her response.  Approval or disapproval?  I’m trying not to assume the worst.  It’s definitely a bad habit of mine.

– Rearranged my room in my apartment.  Looks better.

– Attempted Week Five, Day 3 of C25K.  It didn’t go as well as I had hoped, but it went better than expected, if that makes sense.  The regimen is: walk 5 minutes, run 20 minutes, walk 5 minutes.  I managed 12 minutes of running.  Not even close, BUT.  Considering that my last ‘record’ of how many minutes I could run at a stretch was 8?  I’m counting it as a victory.  And I’m going to keep redoing Week 5, Day 3 until I get it right.  I will do this.  It’s not easy, it’s definitely not easy at all, but I’m determined to work up to a 5K.  This will happen, no matter how long it takes.

Edit: FINISHED Week Five, Day Three of C25K!  It was awful but I did it and I am exhausted but so happy!

– Haven’t had a breakdown yet.  Fingers crossed.  The court date is on Monday, three days away.  I still haven’t completely wrapped my brain around it.  But I consider keeping my anxiety at bay, to the point where I can get through the day and function, a major victory, not a minor one.  A few years ago pressure of this magnitude would have sent me absolutely spiraling downward.  Not this time.  Not happening, no way, no how.

This weekend, I don’t have much on the ballot.  Going out for a friend’s birthday on Saturday night, and seeing David briefly on Sunday to go over some stuff before the divorce on Monday.  My main focus this weekend is going to be on breathing, and taking care of myself.  I don’t think I can remember dreading something this much in my life.  At least on Monday it will be done.

Also, next week, there is so much good coming up after Monday.  Going to NYC with my friend Nicki on Tuesday evening, seeing Marcy on either Wednesday or Thursday, and then taking the weekend off to go see friends in Massachusetts Friday – Sunday!

There’s not much going through my head right now…except to please, please, please let me hold myself together.  Please don’t fall apart.  Please don’t spiral downward into a ball of cringing anxiety.

Please have class and dignity and be a person you can be proud of for the rest of your life.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Little Victories, Week Twenty-Three (with bonus Wildfire recap)

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week MOST weeks (let’s not even kid ourselves anymore), for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

I really should have come in here after Wildfire and do a proper recap, because it was an extraordinary trip that really lit me up (pun intended) and left me feeling fantastic.  I definitely suffered the “post-WF crash” after coming home (I didn’t start feeling like myself until around Thursday), but all in all, it was an amazing experience and I can’t wait to (hopefully) do it all over again in August (if I get a ticket! — we’ll find out on June 23rd)!

I talked a really big talk about being so assured that David and I would be fine going to Wildfire together, but NOT together (as in, hanging with the same people, but not actually camping together or being together at all).  The first night, my anxiety was almost crippling.  BUT.  I pushed through it, and we had an amazing time.  All of us.  There was no drama, there were no issues.  It was truly wonderful.  I’m so glad that we were able to put all of that baggage aside, so that we each could have a kickass weekend.

– I learned how to do fire staff at Wildfire.  I took four classes, I was kickass in two of them, and managed to keep my head above water in the last two.  I also did an impromptu affinity class with David and my friends Lyndsey and Matt, on Sunday, just playing around and practicing different tricks.  It was a lot of fun.  I lit up on both Saturday and Sunday evenings (Friday evening I did fans), and even though it was terrifying, spinning fire is one of the greatest natural highs you will ever get.  It’s like playing Prometheus or something.

 

 

Unfortunately, on Saturday night, while attempting a round-the-world with my brand new sexy staff, I accidentally clocked myself in the back of the head.  No harm done, but I did (briefly) catch my hair on fire.  I had a safety (David) who put the flames out instantly, before I even realized my bun was on fire.  The smell of burning hair really shook me up WAY more than the fact that dear God I just lit my hair on fire.  Lesson here, kids — if you have long hair, spray it down well with water before you spin fire.  Or just do what I did when I got home:

And cut it all off!

It was high time.  I had singed hair in the back, my hair had gotten seriously long (people were commenting on it) and because I can’t straighten it in the summer, I said “fuck it” and cropped it.  I. LOVE. IT.  It takes me about five minutes to get my hair styled in the morning.  No more messing with a straightening iron or tons of brushing or binding up when it gets too frizzy.  Love it.

– Set up my appointment to discuss the THIRD round of edits to my thesis prospectus, for next week.  Argh.  If the prospectus itself needs three edits (at least, who knows if it will need more?), what’s going to happen when we got to the actual thesis?  Can’t think about it, won’t be able to cope.

– This doesn’t TECHNICALLY count as a “little victory” for this week, but last week I ran C25K Week Five, Day 2…and did it the first try!  I can now run for 8 minutes at a stretch, no sweat!  (Well, okay, there was a lot of sweat, but I DID IT!)  Because I took a week off of running due to Wildfire and a particularly glorious sunburn (that made bra-wearing impossible), I’m going to dip back down to C25K Week Five, Day 1 today, and see where that takes me.  I made up my mind to not try and put a time limit on how fast I complete this, so I’m okay with holding back a little bit.

– Crazy Bruce has decided that after three years of weekly therapy sessions, I have finally “graduated” to bi-weekly sessions.  Instead of going every Wednesday, I will go every other Wednesday.  I was a little nervous at this idea, but he pointed out that, had the crap with my separation and divorce not happened, I would have reached this point a long time ago, since the reason why I first started seeing him (my anxiety and panic attacks) were almost entirely a thing of the past.  So rather than be nervous, I’m pretty proud of it.

PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND!  My friend Jess is having a Tastefully Simple party tomorrow (really more a get together than anything) and we’re going over there tonight to help make up the samples.  Tomorrow: gym again (with any luck) and then cleaning the apartment, Jess’s party, and then off to Joe and Lyndsey’s for a spin jam (if the weather cooperates) or Cards Against Humanity (if it doesn’t).  Sunday I’m going to Mass at the retreat center with my father (it’s a once-a-year occurrence), and then…who knows?  Hopefully relaxing at some point.  Knitting has completely fallen off the radar in favor of fire spinning.  I really should try to get back into that…before throwing myself headlong into yet another round of prospectus rewrites.

Little Victories, Week Twenty

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

– Finished moving everything out of my apartment.

– Revised and handed in my thesis prospectus.  It got an A 🙂  I’m meeting with Dr. LW on Monday to discuss the revisions necessary for the Graduate Studies Office, and working on my thesis for the summer months.

– Pushed through and finally, on the third try, completed C25K Week 4, Day 1.  It was an uphill battle but I did it.

– Completed Week 4, Day 2 today and felt fantastic.

Plans for the rest of the weekend involve: um…knitting and watching Kitchen Nightmares.  I think this is the plan 🙂

Little Victories, Week Nineteen

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

(It is blowing my mind that we are almost to the mid-point of the year)

– MOVED.  That seems like a massive victory, not a little one, but damn I am proud of it.  I now have my new place, in a bigger, brighter apartment, closer to graduate school and my friends.  And I couldn’t be happier with it (well, that’s a little bit of a lie.  I would be if we had a washer and dryer that were completely plugged in — landlord is coming this weekend to check and make sure there are no leaks — and doorknobs that weren’t loose).  But still.  Power is on, cable is on, move is all but finished!  Pictures hopefully after this weekend.  We’re almost done unpacking!

– Finished my last two papers for Dr. S and submitted them.  This means that I…

– More than likely finished my last class for my Master’s work!  As long as I get an A- or higher in Dr. S’s class, I should be golden for being finished with my graduate studies classes.  All I should have left is thesis in the fall…but I won’t find out for an undetermined amount of time whether or not my prospectus has been accepted.  (Which reminds me…must finish prospectus edits this weekend…)

– Successfully convinced my friend Drea to buy a ticket to June Wildfire!

– After a week of inactivity (well, of gym absences, since, as my mom puts it, I was working my ass off carrying furniture and boxes up and down flights of stairs), I went to the gym on Thursday and completed Week 3 of C25K.  I think I am ready for Week 4, Day 1, but we’ll see tomorrow.  If it’s too difficult, I’ll redo Week 3, Day 3.  Slow and steady.  I am determined to do this!

On tap for the weekend: finishing my final paper for the semester, gym, meeting up with Drea for knitting and a little introduction to spinning (if the weather cooperates, which I doubt it will).  Then Mothers’ Day on Sunday — church, lunch with Mom, and then volunteering for work in the evening).

I think next week I might just take the whole week off to relax.  This has been a crazy busy month, and it isn’t even half over yet!

Little Victories, Week Seventeen

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

– Finished the rough draft of my Master’s thesis prospectus!  Twenty-two pages, and granted, it’s a rough draft, but it’s DONE.  And done earlier than my professor expected it to be.  Dr. LW was a little surprised, but seemed pleased, when I put it on her desk.  I should get the suggestions for revision sometime within the next few days.  Fingers crossed!

– Finished my term paper for Dr. S’s class.  Clocking in at a grand total of 28 pages (counting the title page and bibliography, so really only 26 pages of writing), it definitely was the major hump of the semester.  But it’s finished now, and there are only two papers (and the revisions for my prospectus) left!  So it looks like the semester is all downhill from here.  Let’s hope!

– Began Couch to 5K last week.
Friday, April 19 – Week 1, Day 1
Saturday, April 20 – Week 1, Day 2
Monday, April 22 – Week 1, Day 3
Wednesday, April 24 – Week 2, Day 1

And I feel really good about it!  I had to get some new sneakers because my old ones (purchased in 2009) were shot to hell.  I was going to just grab a cheap pair at Bob’s Stores, but when I went there, I wasn’t totally satisfied with the comfort of the less expensive shoes.  Then I slipped on a pair of the $49 Asics…and you know that moment that women claim to have when they buy their perfect wedding dress?  I had that moment with those shoes.  They were just right.  I didn’t mind paying the extra.  They were pretty much exactly what I was looking for.  I wore them all afternoon and evening last night, so hopefully when I hit the gym this afternoon for Week 2, Day 2, they’ll be somewhat broken in.  (I also bought a sports bra.  It was completely necessary.  My 38 DDD girls were not comfortable running in underwire)

– Had my last counseling session with D and DS.  I have to say it was bittersweet.  I will miss DS, but I don’t think I’ll miss the sessions, the rawness, the pain.  We are two months and two weeks away from our divorce date, and I think we’re good from here on out.

– Started getting my preliminary plans in place for the move, which will hopefully take place next weekend, May 4-5!  I can’t wait!

I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m one week away from moving, two weeks away from the end of the semester, and five weeks away from Wildfire!  I just…I can’t wrap my brain around it.  Seriously excited on a lot of fronts.  There are so many good things coming up right now, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the excitement.

Have a wonderful weekend!  My plans, you ask?  Gym this afternoon, then Knit Night at Drea’s.  Tomorrow…calling my grandparents in Florida, cleaning my apartment, tackling those two papers!  Sunday, Ikea with Samantha, and then up to Massachusetts for Tina’s Partylite/Cinco de Mayo party.  I can’t wait.  This weekend’s going to be a blast.

I said last night on Facebook, something that I haven’t felt was true up until now.

I’m nowhere near where I thought I wanted to be. But for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like I’m on the right path to where I’m meant to go.

Little Victories, Week…Fifteen. We’re On Fifteen Now.

(It’s been a REALLY long time since I did “Little Victories” so I could not even remember what week we were on.  It’s the end of the semester, cut me some slack.)

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

– Pulled myself (within 24 hours) out of a slump that I felt last weekend.  It may not seem like that big of a victory, but I’ll tell you, divorce wreaks havoc on your sense of self-worth, and if you can get out of a semi-depressive slump in 24 hours, that’s a damn good thing.

– Reached (and passed) the anniversary of the day D first told me he wanted a divorce, without theatrics, without getting (too) upset.  I realized I’ve definitely turned a corner, and that corner is acceptance.  And that feels pretty damn good.

– Got the green light from my thesis adviser to start my prospectus for my thesis.  Rough draft is due on April 23rd.  (In regards to the link, my teacher also pushed back the research paper, which was a huge relief).

– Best news: WE GOT AN APARTMENT!  I feel like this should sort of be an entry in and of itself, but…yes.  Samantha and I got an apartment.  It’s about five minutes from school, 12 minutes from my work.  Second floor of a three-family home, doesn’t look like much on the outside.  But inside, oh, inside.  I wish I had pictures, I really do.  It’s gorgeous.  Hardwood floors, windows everywhere, the cutest bathroom, big bedrooms, a washer and dryer (definitely my favorite part of the apartment!) and off-street parking.  I’m a little worried about living there, because it’s only two blocks from where I lived a few years ago (worst couple years of my life, even tops separating and divorcing, really, but that’s all I’m going to get into since it was so long ago).  But friends of mine straightened me out, and said it was practically criminal to give up such a beautiful apartment that was literally everything we were looking for, just because it happens to be near my old place.

Rent (split with Samantha) is only going to be $50 a month more than I’m paying now.  Plus I’ll be splitting the utilities, which will also be a load off.  It’s gas heat (the apartment D and I lived in was oil heat) so that will be pretty cheap.  I’m  excited.

So excited, even, that I even went back to that devil’s social network, Pinterest.  Samantha definitely started it.  She created an apartment pinboard and we’ve both been working on it the past few days.  It really helps that she and I have the same basic loves when it comes to decorating.  We’re both very French country.  These are some of the things we’ve pinned this far for ideas:

NO idea if we’d be able to pull this off for the living room, but isn’t it gorgeous?

The walls of “my” bedroom are sage, so this is the palette I’m thinking of. Less purple, though, more creams, roses, and greens.

 

The bedding set I want. It’s a little pricier but eh, I’m a single girl now!

Sam’s color ideas for her bedroom.

 

I love Monet — hell, Impressionist art in general — and I want to have “Waterlilies” on the wall.

Moving in is going to suck (second floor walk-up, after all!), but decorating and unpacking is going to be great.  And laundry — there’s laundry!  I have to say having a washer and dryer is my favorite part about this new place.

It’s going to be a good weekend, I think.  After work today I’m going to Jess’s house for a bit, and then it’s off to see D’s cousin Amy for the weekend.  We’re very good friends and I haven’t seen her since Christmas, though we talk about once or twice a week.  I’m seeing MIL tomorrow, which is going to be rough, but I’m glad that it’s happening.

Happy weekend, all!

A bigger victory

I haven’t written in a week and a half.  I haven’t posted “Little Victories”, and that’s in part because…I didn’t know what to write.  Period.  So many things have happened since Monday, March 25th (when I last wrote), and it’s difficult to go back and write about it.  Some things were fantastic, some things were incredibly hard.  But I reached a turning point in my life, somewhere in the last eleven days.  And while I don’t want to go into too many details, especially on a public forum (I have a more private journal for that), I have to address it, in order to move this blog forward.

I met someone in the last month.  He is not someone I am going to have a relationship with (at least not any time in the foreseeable future).  Although we realized over the span of a month’s time that we had a lot in common, we were attracted to each other, and we were both exactly what the other was looking for…the timing was appalling, for both of us.  He is going through some turbulence in his life right now, as am I.  When we realized this, we both spent about four days agonizing to ourselves about it, before finally coming clean to each other last night.

Another time, another place, but not today, not now, and not any time soon.  When we ended our conversation last night he said that he wouldn’t be calling me soon, but he WOULD call me again.  He didn’t expect me to wait around for him, put my life on hold, all that…and that, if he called me and found out that I was happy, that I found someone who made me so, then he would know he had made the right decision.

I’m not happy, per se, over this decision.  I will admit that I cried when we said goodbye and hung up the phone last night.  But on the other hand, I am so relieved, because in the last month, he gave me everything I needed.  He was someone who gave me the time of day.  He reminded me that I was beautiful, intelligent, funny, worthy of love and respect and compassion and honesty — all of the things that D wasn’t giving me.

He made me realize that I was better than I was giving myself credit for.

I closed the door on my past this week.  On the 25th, I wrote that I just wanted to be on the other side, at that point of acceptance, to look back on the last five years of my life and be able to say, “Yes, that happened, and it hurt, but I am going to be better for it now that it’s over.”  And in the past eleven days, I got that wish.  I closed the door to my painful past and I opened the door to my future.  And that…that gift, he gave to me.  He helped me find myself.

Who knows what will happen to him.  I can’t predict the future.  I’m scared for him, and I hope that he manages to crawl out of the hole he is in, to get better.  I hope that, if and when the day comes that I see his name on the caller ID on my phone, I will pick up and he’ll be happy, truly happy, in his life.  I don’t know if anything will ever come to pass between us again.  I certainly won’t bank on it.  Life is too short to wait around, wondering if what happened can happen again.

But in the last month, he picked me up, out of the hole I was in, and he flew me to a place I hadn’t been before.  He put me on the path I was meant to be on, and then he gave me the gentlest of pushes forward.  He showed me who I want to be, but more importantly, that I wasn’t there yet.

Go.  Live your life.  Be the woman you can be.  Claw your way out of this.  You did it before.  You can do it again.  Close the doors to your past and open the door to your future.  Because it’s so much brighter than you can possibly imagine.

And that was worth more than any relationship ever could be.

 

 

I’m going forward.  Big changes are coming to my life.  I received our divorce case number in the mail this week.  I’m going to my XMIL’s house this next weekend to give her back (or try to give her back, at least) the engagement ring.  I started looking at apartments with my future roommate, Samantha.  We may have found one (*fingers crossed*).  School is seven weeks from ending.  I got my June Wildfire ticket.

I closed my heart emotionally on all that happened with D.  Granted, there will still be times when I am sad that it didn’t work out, and I imagine it will hurt on July 8th, the day our divorce is finalized.  But I will never, ever again feel like I could live that life, pretending that the little he gave me was enough.  My self-worth is back and I will never lose it in the same way again.

I’m on the right path.  And I’m going forward from here on out.

Never look back.

Thank you, K.  Thank you for showing me I was worth it.  I hope you realize someday that you’re worth it, too.

And I hope, whenever we meet again, that you will be okay.