Ever since I turned 29 and made the concrete decision to turn my life around, I’ve been trying my damndest to check off each step as I slowly attain them.
1. Maintain A’s in graduate school — check (so far)
2. Separate (however willingly — it WAS the right decision) — check
3. Achieve (and maintain) a positive outlook — check (so far)
4. Learn how to apply “grown-up” makeup — check
Now I think it’s time to face the music for 5. Lose the weight that formed as a result of two years of eating my feelings.
Like many women in my family, I am an emotional eater. I have tried to control it. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. I made a conscious effort to only buy healthy food when I was grocery shopping the Friday before I moved in…only to buy a box of Ring Dings on Sunday night. In my defense, I have only eaten two packages since then, and no more than one in a day.
I am right now about 30 – 35 lbs. overweight. It’s not terrible, and because I am 5’9″ the additional pounds don’t hang on me the way that they would on a shorter person. But I’m not happy with the way I look. My breasts, belly, and thighs are way too big. I am a size 14, and I don’t want to be anymore. I look at my frame — my rounded shoulders, my wide hips — and I know that, even if I starve myself, I will never be a size 2 or considered “willowy” or “waif-like”. But I would like to lose that extra 30 lbs. and fit into a size 12 again. I don’t have a timeline for this; I’m not going to set myself goals that are unreasonable and right now I’m not going to give myself a hard time. I just want to lose the weight. And stop eating my emotions. End of story.
So I joined Fitocracy today (all the cool kids — my friends — were doing it) and the plan is to start tomorrow after I get out of work. It sucks living further away from the gym than I did when David and I weren’t separated, but oh well. I mean…it is what it is. The gym is still only about a five-minute drive from my office. And I need to come up with a fixed schedule. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are, until the end of the semester, right out, because I bounce from work to class immediately during the day and I’m not free until it’s quite late. But I can do Mondays and Thursdays, and possibly Saturdays. If I can do even two days a week I’ll be happy. David’s going to set up my Wii at my apartment as well, and I can at least do that during the day. It’s certainly not going to make the pounds just melt off or anything, but at least it’s there, and it can’t hurt.
I feel like this is a journey I have started again and again and again. I just really need to stick with it this time. I need to lose the weight. For me. Not for anyone else.