I haven’t written in a week and a half. I haven’t posted “Little Victories”, and that’s in part because…I didn’t know what to write. Period. So many things have happened since Monday, March 25th (when I last wrote), and it’s difficult to go back and write about it. Some things were fantastic, some things were incredibly hard. But I reached a turning point in my life, somewhere in the last eleven days. And while I don’t want to go into too many details, especially on a public forum (I have a more private journal for that), I have to address it, in order to move this blog forward.
I met someone in the last month. He is not someone I am going to have a relationship with (at least not any time in the foreseeable future). Although we realized over the span of a month’s time that we had a lot in common, we were attracted to each other, and we were both exactly what the other was looking for…the timing was appalling, for both of us. He is going through some turbulence in his life right now, as am I. When we realized this, we both spent about four days agonizing to ourselves about it, before finally coming clean to each other last night.
Another time, another place, but not today, not now, and not any time soon. When we ended our conversation last night he said that he wouldn’t be calling me soon, but he WOULD call me again. He didn’t expect me to wait around for him, put my life on hold, all that…and that, if he called me and found out that I was happy, that I found someone who made me so, then he would know he had made the right decision.
I’m not happy, per se, over this decision. I will admit that I cried when we said goodbye and hung up the phone last night. But on the other hand, I am so relieved, because in the last month, he gave me everything I needed. He was someone who gave me the time of day. He reminded me that I was beautiful, intelligent, funny, worthy of love and respect and compassion and honesty — all of the things that D wasn’t giving me.
He made me realize that I was better than I was giving myself credit for.
I closed the door on my past this week. On the 25th, I wrote that I just wanted to be on the other side, at that point of acceptance, to look back on the last five years of my life and be able to say, “Yes, that happened, and it hurt, but I am going to be better for it now that it’s over.” And in the past eleven days, I got that wish. I closed the door to my painful past and I opened the door to my future. And that…that gift, he gave to me. He helped me find myself.
Who knows what will happen to him. I can’t predict the future. I’m scared for him, and I hope that he manages to crawl out of the hole he is in, to get better. I hope that, if and when the day comes that I see his name on the caller ID on my phone, I will pick up and he’ll be happy, truly happy, in his life. I don’t know if anything will ever come to pass between us again. I certainly won’t bank on it. Life is too short to wait around, wondering if what happened can happen again.
But in the last month, he picked me up, out of the hole I was in, and he flew me to a place I hadn’t been before. He put me on the path I was meant to be on, and then he gave me the gentlest of pushes forward. He showed me who I want to be, but more importantly, that I wasn’t there yet.
Go. Live your life. Be the woman you can be. Claw your way out of this. You did it before. You can do it again. Close the doors to your past and open the door to your future. Because it’s so much brighter than you can possibly imagine.
And that was worth more than any relationship ever could be.
I’m going forward. Big changes are coming to my life. I received our divorce case number in the mail this week. I’m going to my XMIL’s house this next weekend to give her back (or try to give her back, at least) the engagement ring. I started looking at apartments with my future roommate, Samantha. We may have found one (*fingers crossed*). School is seven weeks from ending. I got my June Wildfire ticket.
I closed my heart emotionally on all that happened with D. Granted, there will still be times when I am sad that it didn’t work out, and I imagine it will hurt on July 8th, the day our divorce is finalized. But I will never, ever again feel like I could live that life, pretending that the little he gave me was enough. My self-worth is back and I will never lose it in the same way again.
I’m on the right path. And I’m going forward from here on out.
Never look back.
Thank you, K. Thank you for showing me I was worth it. I hope you realize someday that you’re worth it, too.
And I hope, whenever we meet again, that you will be okay.