Longing for the other side

Oh chickies, I don’t know how much effort I can put in to writing about the weekend but suffice to say it was a blast and I’d love to do it again, but not right away, because driving through New Jersey sucks (I hate it now for more reasons than just the Jets) and staying up until 3:30 AM drinking wine the night before you have to drive six and a half hours home is a poor life decision I’d rather not revisit.  But it was amazing just the same.

Pictures as promised!

All of us at lunch.  Can you see me?

Samantha, Nicki (my driving partner), me, and Nichole (who let us crash at her apartment over the weekend):

One of my favorite pictures from the weekend…back at Nichole’s house later that night (after a few glasses of wine).  Nichole, Morgan, me, with Nicki on our laps and Nichole and her husband Tom’s roommate Calvin photobombing:

It was an absolutely amazing weekend, but let me tell you, the driving part hurts, and I’ll be very, very happy to never, ever drive through the state of New Jersey again.  New Jersey sucks.  (Sorry to anyone who may be reading this who is from New Jersey)

Aaaand this is the week where anyone who knows me, knows that I go absolutely batshit insane.  It’s Holy Week, the week of Easter, the busiest week in our calendar, and this is the sixth time I’ve gone through it.  For some reason I’m always in less than tip-top shape the Monday of Holy Week.  In 2011 I fell off my bicycle in a nasty road accident the Friday beforehand, and came in Monday still hopped up on pain pills and sore as hell.  Last year I was sick.  Today, I’m just exhausted.  Tack on going to the courthouse (again) this afternoon and then counseling with DS and I am just…shot.

 

Sometimes I feel a little…bipolar? shall we say?  Split?  I have days when I think What a relief it is that I no longer have to worry about what D is doing, who he is talking to, if our marriage is going to end, etc.  And then there are days (like last night) where I cry and I think I just can’t do it, I can’t go through with this, I can’t be strong, I can’t get a divorce, it hurts too much, God, just don’t let it happen to me.  There are days, still, days nobody sees or hears about, when I lock the door to my apartment and I curl into a little ball, clutching my extra pillow against me as hard as I can, sobbing and repeating over and over again, “I don’t want to hurt anymore,”

And then I straighten up, and I dry my tears, and I come back to myself, out of the hole of my anxiety and terror, and I move on with my life.

There are two quotes that I keep to myself, during times like these.  One of them is from Andrew Lloyd Webber, from years ago, and the other is one I just read, the other day, from a friend of mine’s blog.

“Bad moments come, but they go.
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder.
But that doesn’t mean we should give up our dream.
Have you ever seen me defeated?
Don’t you forget what I’ve been through, and yet
I’m still standing.”

– Evita

“Five years ago, I remember casting desperate pleas to my future self; months away, years away, decades… I just wanted to release some kind of gossamer thread into the yawning abyss and feel my future self ripple back some reassurance that I was going to be okay.
That it wasn’t going to be dark forever.
That I would heal.
That it would get better.

Right here & right now, I’m grabbing the other end of that gossamer thread and rippling back that yes, darling—
yes, it’s going to get bright again, even brighter than you could ever dream.
Yes, you are going to heal.
Yes, it is going to get better, and at times, you’ll feel such a fierce gratitude for how much better than you’re not sure you have the capacity to hold it all—
but, of course, you will.

&, yes, above all things,
it going to be absolutely worth it.”

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Come the Spring

It’s another cold, sunny day in central Connecticut, but there’s hope in the air…it’s spring.

My journey to this point has been through fall and winter, without much sunshine and warmth, but this is spring, and it’s a whole ‘nother season.  I have to say that yesterday I struggled through the day (and it was a wet, rainy, sleet-y day) with a cold and aches and misery.  I tried powering through, but around 3 PM I gave up and said “Fuck it.”

Why was I slogging through this shit?  Some days you have to just say “I fold” and give up for the day.  Which is what I did.  I did all the necessary errands (paid my car tax, dropped off my car at the mechanic’s to get the timing belt replaced), emailed my professor my midterm paper, and then went home to crawl in bed.  And that was my day.  I didn’t do homework.  I knitted a little (I’m working on a prayer shawl to donate to church), and I watched The Conspirator” with my sister (a decent film, certainly nothing groundbreaking, and I could live the rest of my life without seeing Alexis Bledel in anything else — my God, she is awful).

And you know what?  I feel better today.  Not 100% — I’m still a little tired and my nose is a tad stuffy.  But probably at about 80%, and I’ll take it.

I’m leaving for Washington, D.C. on Friday afternoon.  The lovely Nicki (my Game of Thrones partner) and I are driving to Maryland the long way (re: around the ridiculous amounts of tolls) and then to D.C. on Saturday, returning to Connecticut on Sunday.  I have been counting down to this trip for about three months, and I seriously cannot wait.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing, and I have to say it’s not only the opposite of constructive, it’s extremely destructive.  The only way that I won’t constantly be tempted to look back, though, is to delete my entire diary (on another website), which I can’t bring myself to do.  The entries may or may not be exactly happy, but they ARE mine.  It’s a record of my life, and even if they aren’t happy, they were my experiences.

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a rut, looking backward, only tentatively moving forward.  And I just can’t do that anymore.  I have to move forward.  It’s the only way I’ll get out of this terrible limbo that I’ve been in since September of 2011.  A year and a half ago.  Hard to believe so much time has passed.  But i can’t keep looking back.  I have to move forward.

I have so much to look forward to this spring and summer: D.C., Wildfire June (if I get a ticket), Wildfire August (if I get tickets), hiking Mt. Washington, finishing my prospectus, finishing my thesis.  And there will be other happy events in there, events I don’t even know about yet.  Too much to look back on the things I’m missing.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln

 

So the Irish could not rule the world

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, one and all!

I am 25% Irish (on my mother’s side), so this is a pretty big holiday to me.  I’ve been baking since yesterday and have barely stopped.  My two staples on St. Patrick’s Day are Irish car bomb cupcakes and Irish soda bread.  I make both.

The car bomb cupcakes are a ton of work, but soooo worth it, and everyone likes them.  The best recipe I’ve seen for them can be found here.  If you try them, I would recommend making a double-batch of the cupcakes, and one batch each of frosting and ganache.  The quantities in the recipe are more than enough for two batches of cupcakes.

I’ll share my Irish soda bread recipe.

Honestly Irish Soda Bread
5 cups flour
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp. baking powder
1 tbsp. baking soda
1 stick of butter, cubed.
1 tsp. salt
2 cups raisins (or Craisins, as I did not have raisins and thought what the hell)
3 tbsp. caraway seeds
2 and 1/3 cups buttermilk
1 egg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spread some vegetable or olive oil on the bottom of a cast iron skillet (or grease a cake pan, your choice).  Mix together dry ingredients.  Blend in the butter until the mixture is crumbly.  Add raisins and caraway seeds.  In a separate bowl, combine buttermilk and egg, whisk together, then pour into dry mixture and stir until well blended.  Put into skillet, bake for 1 hour 15 minutes or until lightly browned on top.  Serve with butter.

And the luck of the Irish is absolutely with me today!  My old car sold for $3,000, which is twice was I was hoping for!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you and yours!

Little Victories, Week Eleven

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

Another Friday come and gone (or going).  I have a ton of fun planned for this weekend, but first things first:

– Re-filed for divorce.  Yup.

– Pwned my adviser meeting on Tuesday, and was told full-steam ahead on the research!

– Got my first paper back for my other class and got a perfect score.

– Finished Volume One of “Down South” by Samuel Phillips Day, and I’m into Volume Two.  Still plugging away on the notes.

Yeah, that’s about it 🙂  Sort of a quiet week, which seems silly to say because I haven’t spent more than like 8 hours at home any day this week.

Tomorrow is my friend Tina’s St. Patrick’s Day blast, and then the following day, I have yet another party.  I’m psyched.  Don’t drink that much, but I’m still psyched.  It should be a lot of fun.

Have a great weekend!

When it comes to the truth

Yesterday was my “half’ birthday.  I am now twenty-nine “and a half” years old.  Six months ago, D and I made the decision to finally really and truly split, and that, I think, was when I knew it was over, even though I continued to hold out hope until Christmas that he would change his mind and try to get me back.  It’s taken some time, but I feel, six months later, that I am both comfortable in my own skin, and ready to move towards what is coming next.

Because of the paperwork mix-up, I had to re-file for divorce on Monday (probably one of the only motherfuckers in the world to file for divorce two times from the same guy — except maybe Elizabeth Taylor).  It went much better this time — instead of having a very cold, silent clerk taking down the information and sending me on my way, I had a very nice, warm young woman who sat me down and talked me through the whole process, gave me advice for filing, things like that.  A little better than the first time, when the guy shoved a packet labeled “Do-It-Yourself Guide to Divorce” and said “Good luck.”  I had the papers served by an older Italian gentleman who was very, very nice, and also walked me through the process (and only charged me $38, not the $75 that Le Douchebag from the clerk’s office told me a while ago).  So that’s done, and done right this time.  Our return date is April 2 and our court date is July 8, so only two weeks off from when they were originally.

I made a new friend the other day.  We’ll call him “K”.  Neither of us is looking for a relationship right now — we’re both working through our own personal demons and getting our lives in gear, and we agreed that getting to know each other and being friends was way more important now than just hopping into any sort of relationship that neither of us is ready for.  In any case, I like him, he likes me, we talk on the phone every night and we make each other laugh, which I think is what we both need right now.

The ongoing, interminable issue with D’s car payments coming out of my bank account was FINALLY RESOLVED yesterday, and I just want to throw a party.  I don’t have to check my bank account weekly in trepidation that another $300 has come out of my bank account again.  Praise Jesus.

Also, a week from Friday I am OFF to DC for the weekend with the lovely Miss Nicki to meet up with a whole slew of internet friends!  This trip has been in the works since December and it is SO EXCITING that it’s finally getting off the ground!  Can I even tell you how psyched I am?  Because I am.

Life is looking up.  Slowly, but surely, I am getting there.

If somebody tells you…

…that you don’t need to have divorce papers served by a marshal (just save yourself the money and hassle and do it yourself!): they are lying.  Or if we’re being nice, vastly wrong.

Because of this, our divorce date has been pushed back, and I need to go and re-file.

The word “exhausted’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.  I just want to curl into a ball.  So much of my life is just a huge, expensive, difficult mess.  I try to balance work, school, and what I’m calling a social life these days.  And then something like this just smashes through all “LOL J/K” when I think I have things — finally — under control.

D messaged me when I told him that this was dragging out and just said “I’m sorry.”  I was ready to text him and say it’s not his fault we were poorly directed and that the courts try to dick every single penny out of you.  But you know, it IS his fault, the whole mess is his fault in the first place.

Talking to K (new friend) yesterday, about all this, I could sum it up thus: “We didn’t look at marriage the same way, and that is why it fell apart.

It’s so unfortunately true.

And 99% of the time, I’m so okay, I’m really okay, I don’t want to go back and change anything.  And some days, like now, I just think I don’t want to do this.  Not now, not in April, not in July…never.

Little Victories, Week Ten (A little late)

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

Last week completely got away from me.  Between blizzards and cracking down on my homework, I really just…didn’t have time to post.  I’m going to be better this week, I promise.

Still, Little Victories must be posted, and so here we go (even though it’s three days late):

– Submitted my first paper of the semester (a book review that I completely BS’d, because I hated the book so very, very much).

– Finished A Belle of the Fifties, which was pretty damn decent, once you cropped past her descriptions of Virginia society parties (blah).  I now have close to 40 pages of research notes to give to my professor tomorrow, and I’m closer to a definite thesis!

– Booked my first Partylite party for April 3.  I have five people who say they are coming thus far (and my mom makes six, even though she’s still figuring out Le Facebook).

– Made a new friend.  Enough said about that 🙂

Items added to my 2013 jar: 1.

Happy Monday, everyone!  Little Victories will return to Fridays this week, I promise to stop being such a slacker.

Little Victories, Week Nine

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

It is crazy to realize that we are already into March.  That the year is already almost a third of the way over.  Unbelievable.  It’s been a pretty quiet week over here at Honestly, Megan, so let’s get to it.

– This isn’t really my victory, I guess, but D managed to tell MIL that we’re getting a divorce, and that was a pretty big deal.  She’s still talking to me and still wants to see me.  I’m letting things sort of cool down before I approach her about meeting up.

– Had a really good session with DS on Monday, which helped both of us kind of get our bearings about this whole divorce thing.  Even though some of our friends and family members think that “divorce counseling” (if you can call it that) is a waste of time and money, honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  We are doing this in about as amicably a way as possible, and if paying $25 and spending 1 hour a month helps that along, I’ll take it.

– Broke my “senioritis” (or “divorcitis” as Crazy Bruce calls it) on Wednesday and challenged myself to two hours of note-taking and research per day, so 10 hours a week.  I spent three days (about five hours) on Belle Boyd in Camp and Prison, the memoirs of a teenage Southern belle turned spy for the Confederacy.  Pretty good, but I think she embellished a little bit…I’m now reading A Belle of the Fifties about Virginia Clay, the wife of a senator during the Civil War.  It’s pretty good thus far, though I’m not finding much to add to my thesis.

– Reconnected with my friend Lyndsey this week and went to her place last night to watch “The Tudors.”  And I am so happy to say that, four episodes in, she is hooked.  We’re going to get together again in subsequent weeks to watch more episodes.  I can’t wait.

And I got to snuggle with this little guy: Oy, her dachshund.

Items added to my 2013 jar: None so far.

Everyone have a great weekend!  I’m sure I’m going to be spending most of it studying, cleaning, and writing!