State of Unrest

It’s post-hurricane, and I’m feeling even more convoluted than I was before.  I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) back in 2008 as a result of a car accident, and my claustrophobia and agoraphobia (as well as fear of the storm and fear of losing power/something happening to my husband the EMT when he was out on his shift Monday night) made me a complete ball of anxious mess Friday – Monday.  Yesterday I crashed, and crashed hard.  When I crash, I go through a depressive low, and all I do is cry.  It’s really, really productive (/sarcasm).

Fortunately, the due date for my pre-thesis rough draft was pushed back from Tuesday, November 6th, to Tuesday, November 13th.  Happy news.  So I was able to just take a night off and try and recollect myself.  I took a hot bath, put on pjs, knitted more mitred squares, and watched Tudor documentaries on Youtube (because that is how I roll).  I don’t feel 100% better today, but I feel somewhat improved from last night.

I got my official moving date this past weekend.  November 10 – 11.  We made the decision to separate on September 11th, and now, almost two months later, I finally have a date.  And though I knew it’s been coming…for some reason, now, I’m scared, and I’m sad.  I feel like I’m walking away from everything I’ve spent four and a half years working for.  But I know in my heart that there is no other choice.  My husband and I are stagnating in our current living situation.  Though we care for each other very much, and I am still in love with him, he has no passion for me, and something has to give.  We can’t fix anything by living together in this incessant zombie-walk through life.  I told him (through yet another bout of crying last night), that if nothing else, at least we know that, by my moving out, something is going to change.

This weekend I need to go shopping for the few things I need for the new place (TV, bathroom and kitchen essentials, etc).  And I guess it’s time to start packing.  The good thing is that I don’t need to get everything out of the house at one go.  So there’s no need to hire a moving truck and pay extra money.  It’s going to be okay, I can manage this.  The practical side, I have under control.  The emotional side…I’ll get there.

Lately my sleep has been plagued by horrible dreams of death and sadness.  I wake up crying more often than not.  Sleeping alone hasn’t bothered me in months — David has worked overnight shifts ever since he was first hired as an EMT almost a year ago, so I’m quite used to sleeping alone three to four nights out of the week.  But the sad dreams, of destruction and loss and death, are plaguing me.  I’m sure that it’s not my anti-anxiety medication; I’ve been on it for almost two years and it really does work.  I’m guessing it’s more related to the changes in my life that are coming up.

I am so scared that I’m going to fall apart like I did in July when we first attempted separation.  That was horrific.  I was having five or six panic attacks a day, I cried all the time, it was awful.  Granted, I am much more resigned to the situation at this point; plus, it was my decision this time, not his.  But I have to be more careful this time.  I can’t afford to fall apart again.  My semester of college — not to mention my self-respect — can’t withstand another bout of that.

Tonight I am back in class (blech, I was hoping we’d have it off for Halloween), and then I’m off to my friend Jess’s annual Halloween shindig.  I’m going as Rosie the Riveter, as I’ve said before (little shout-out to my love of history, I think from now on I’ll only do history-themed Halloween costumes), and although I’m not in costume, here’s a picture of my head wrap and the button I made that Rosie wears on her lapel in the posters:

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Stay safe.

For myself

This weekend right now promises to be not a fantastic one.  My husband is gone for the weekend, so I’ll be home alone, trying to prepare for a storm that promises to be just as much of a suck-fest as last year was.  By-the-by, if my class isn’t canceled on Tuesday, I’m going to be livid.  The only good thing about a hurricane/snowstorm is canceled work or class.  Period.

I have a massive to-do list this weekend that involves the following:
– Washing the metric ton of dishes in the sink (before and if we run out of hot water due to the storm)
– Stock up on supplies (i.e. toilet paper, bread, food that doesn’t require heating up).
– Charge everything (Kindle, laptop, etc.)
– Get cracking on at least part of my rough draft of my paper (due November 6th)
– Laundry, laundry, and more laundry

The situation isn’t as dire as it sounds.  My parents live right next door to the town volunteer fire house, so they almost never lose power, and when they do, they are up and running usually within the day.  Last Halloween, when 99% of CT lost power for days, we ended up at my parents’ house for showers and hot food while our power was out.  NBD.

Plus I’ll be there on Sunday regardless to watch the football game and do all of that laundry.  Oh, and research.  More and more research.

But today and tomorrow I am going to take some time for me.  “Me time” (for this weekend) involves:

– Trip to Sephora!  I have  been wanting to go for so long.  I’m going to pick up some eyeliner and eyeshadow.  That’s IT (okay, maybe some lipstick).

– Getting my eyebrows done.  They need to be waxed in the worst way.  And after I get them waxed I am VOWING to keep them tweezed.  I don’t even care that I hate doing it, or that I’m no good at tweezing.  I WILL LEARN.  Gone are the days of my caterpillar eyebrows.  I am 29 years old, dammit.  I can do this.

– Buying the last pieces for my Rosie costume.  I just need a blue oxford and a pair of black flats.  Hell, I need the black flats just for ME (I have no flat shoes, today I’m struggling in my nude wedges).  I also have to make the Westinghouse pin she wears on her lapel.  NBD, again.

– Paper writing.  You knew it was coming.  But really?  It’s a good distraction from the other things that I have going on in my life.  The ones I don’t want to think about.

– Knitting.  I wound some beautiful yarn for another Citron shawl yesterday.  I finished one a few weeks ago (sort of — I botched the stupid ruffle at the bottom and I ran out of yarn), and it isn’t blocked yet.  I want to try it again with the laceweight yarn it actually requires (I used sock weight last time).  I have Dream in Color Wisp in the daylily shade.  Which is actually a lot more pale green and pale pink than it is on that website.  Hopefully 550 yards will be enough this time!

 

 
That’s pretty much it.  Hopefully, this weekend will go better than anticipated 🙂

Desperately Seeking Sanity

Stayed wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too late at my IL’s last night to watch the end of the Patriots/Game.  I regret nothing.  Except that when we got home, the husband and I were both feeling pretty burned out and a little emotional after everything that had happened this weekend.  Having no creative outlet other than video games with which to burn off those feelings, he chose to go outside and smoke a clove cigarette (or tw0).  Even though I hate his smoking, I followed him outside and we sat on the back of his Toyota Camry and stared up at the stars.

It is difficult, this quandary.  This knowing that the failed trust and physical intimacy brought down our marriage to the point where separation is no longer an option, it’s the option.  Yet both of us know, deep down, that there is no person on earth who knows us better than each other.  I think we were both aware of that last night, that feeling of a rift.  We’re like two sailors shipwrecked at sea who can’t fit on one sinking lifeboat together, and have decided that it’s in our best interest to hop onto separate floating pieces of debris, sail away, and hope that at least one of us finds his or her way to shore.  Yet, although we know it’s a choice between float separately or drown together, we can’t imagine a life without each other.

The words “this is so hard” are so trite, yet they sum everything up at the same time.  I’ve spent almost four and a half years of my life with him.  I was an entirely different person when we met — only 24!  I am 29 now, my whole life and worldview is different.  Whether it’s different because of or in spite of him remains to be seen.

 

In other news, I am nearly finished with the prospectus that threatens to eliminate what is left of my tenuous grasp of reality.  The lack of sleep last night, on top of the stress of omg get this perfect or you will fail is driving me to the verge of insanity.  I also skipped lunch today.  David is making fajitas for dinner tonight.  Could not be more excited about that possibility.  Although I wonder if he got everything that he needed at the market…no matter.  If he forgot it can be picked up this afternoon.
This afternoon I’m heading to Joann Fabrics to pick up the remaining things I need for my Halloween costume.  I haven’t dressed up in several years but I have a party on Halloween, and as soon as I knew I’d need a costume, I knew exactly who I wanted to be.

Rosie the Riveter.  Strong, beautiful, determined, hardworking feminist.  Damn skippy.  I need a spotted bandanna and a blue oxford shirt.  NBD.  I can get all those things either cheap or second-hand.  And the pin.  I have to make the pin.  No problem.

In spite of myself, I’m looking forward to Halloween this year.  I think it’s going to be a good one.