Stayed wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too late at my IL’s last night to watch the end of the Patriots/Game. I regret nothing. Except that when we got home, the husband and I were both feeling pretty burned out and a little emotional after everything that had happened this weekend. Having no creative outlet other than video games with which to burn off those feelings, he chose to go outside and smoke a clove cigarette (or tw0). Even though I hate his smoking, I followed him outside and we sat on the back of his Toyota Camry and stared up at the stars.
It is difficult, this quandary. This knowing that the failed trust and physical intimacy brought down our marriage to the point where separation is no longer an option, it’s the option. Yet both of us know, deep down, that there is no person on earth who knows us better than each other. I think we were both aware of that last night, that feeling of a rift. We’re like two sailors shipwrecked at sea who can’t fit on one sinking lifeboat together, and have decided that it’s in our best interest to hop onto separate floating pieces of debris, sail away, and hope that at least one of us finds his or her way to shore. Yet, although we know it’s a choice between float separately or drown together, we can’t imagine a life without each other.
The words “this is so hard” are so trite, yet they sum everything up at the same time. I’ve spent almost four and a half years of my life with him. I was an entirely different person when we met — only 24! I am 29 now, my whole life and worldview is different. Whether it’s different because of or in spite of him remains to be seen.
In other news, I am nearly finished with the prospectus that threatens to eliminate what is left of my tenuous grasp of reality. The lack of sleep last night, on top of the stress of omg get this perfect or you will fail is driving me to the verge of insanity. I also skipped lunch today. David is making fajitas for dinner tonight. Could not be more excited about that possibility. Although I wonder if he got everything that he needed at the market…no matter. If he forgot it can be picked up this afternoon.
This afternoon I’m heading to Joann Fabrics to pick up the remaining things I need for my Halloween costume. I haven’t dressed up in several years but I have a party on Halloween, and as soon as I knew I’d need a costume, I knew exactly who I wanted to be.
Rosie the Riveter. Strong, beautiful, determined, hardworking feminist. Damn skippy. I need a spotted bandanna and a blue oxford shirt. NBD. I can get all those things either cheap or second-hand. And the pin. I have to make the pin. No problem.
In spite of myself, I’m looking forward to Halloween this year. I think it’s going to be a good one.