Little Victories, Week 32

I haven’t done one of these since I got divorced.  And guys, there were barely any victories this week.  Because all of my being has been centered on not completely melting into a mess.

My parents went on vacation this past Monday.  My sister broke her leg two weeks ago.  That meant…that I’ve been staying at their house since Monday.  I haven’t been to my apartment.  I haven’t seen my kitties.  I’ve barely had any time or space to call my own.  I miss my bed.  I miss my cats.  I miss my free time.

But I’m getting it all back tomorrow.  So that’s something.

In the past week, I basically was fetch-and-carry for my younger sister.  I fed cats.  I cleaned litterboxes (and for eight cats, that’s no small task).  I fed the birds.  I watered the plant.  I emptied the dehumidifiers.  I cleaned up vomit.  I took Scout (one of my parents’ many cats) to the vet for her surgery, and I’ve been giving her pills (4 a day) ever since — and you can imagine how well that goes over.  The term “like a lead balloon” comes to mind.

I am very, very glad to relinquish all of those roles and jobs when my parents come home from the Cape tomorrow.

Other than that, the only real “little victory” that I had is: Learned to sew.  Which I went over in this entry.  Progress picture there.  I haven’t done anything since then.  Be impressed.

 

Most of this week has gone by in a gigantic blur.  I can’t remember most of what I did, besides cooking and chores.  And trying to sleep.  And failing to sleep.

Next week, guys.  Next week is Wildfire and hopefully I’ll get a little of myself back.

 

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I am not

I hate to write “downer” entries, but this blog is called “Honestly, Megan”, and I can’t always be 100% optimistic.  I am not feeling well today.  Part of that is due to staying up until almost 1 AM watching the Oscars.

Part of it is because D told MIL yesterday that he wants a divorce…and then told me on the phone how truly miserable he is.  All this time I’ve been telling myself how happy he is, how much he wanted this, when in reality, it’s not that he wanted it, it’s because he was too scared to do anything except step aside and let this marriage fall to pieces.

Part of it is because I look back on the last two years and see a beautiful relationship that imploded, and it just hurts, it hurts to see every hope and dream we ever had in shambles, damaged and irreparable.

Part of it is because I am so tired that it truly hurts.

Part of it is because I am tired of crying, and I’m even more tired of people telling me that I am foolish for crying, foolish for hurting.  I hate that certain people act like I have to put on a happy face all the time, because sometimes, I am anything but happy.  Sometimes I need to grieve.  Sometimes I need to hurt, and shunting my feelings under the rug?  Doesn’t help.

I am sorry that my crying and my pain and my grief is offensive to people.  I am sorry if people think I am better than that, and in reality, I am not.  That I am tough and strong and I DGAF that my marriage fell apart, that the man I love changed into a completely different person, that even though so many have told me that this isn’t my fault, I still feel responsible because we were each other’s responsibility and I never realized that something was really this wrong until it was too late.

I’m sorry that people don’t want to see the mess left behind.  They want me to feel nothing.  They want me to be stronger, and I’m not.  I’m just me.  Honestly Megan.  Just me.

And even though it’s just one more nail in the coffin, and a nail I’d been expecting, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt like hell when it goes in.

This is not going to be an easy ride.  You can get off it at any time.  I can’t.  I am in this until the end.  It’s started, I can’t stop it, and I only have two choices.  Ride it out, and pray that there’s something good at the end.  Or throw myself out and die.  I can’t do the latter, so it has to be the former.  I’m sorry if the ride is longer than you thought it would be.  It’s much, much longer than I expected, myself.

But I have no choice, I have to ride it out.  Ride or die.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you can go.  This is unfortunately as good as it’s going to get right now.  I can’t promise that it will get better soon, but I can promise that it will get better.  I just don’t know when.

Right now, it just hurts.  And I need to grieve.  I don’t mean shut myself in my room, I am not doing that.  I am not sitting here mourning all the time.  But I am going to break down and cry.  I am going to be sad.  I am not going to be gleeful as my soon to be ex husband falls apart.  I can’t sit and calmly talk about severing the marriage that we so lovingly built up.  I can’t think about seeing my MIL for the last time, of never seeing my IL’s again, and not tear up.

I am not made of stone.  And I can’t apologize for that.

Frederick William Elwell – The Wedding Dress, 1911

A quick succession of busy nothings

I fully expected to feel run-down, exhausted, unhappy today, and in reality, I feel better than I have all week.  I don’t much want to talk about the filing process, but I’m very, very glad that I did it and that I can stop dreading it now.  Everything’s started, there’s no going back.  Well, there could be, considering that Connecticut has a mandatory 90-day waiting period for divorces, but I don’t foresee it happening at all.  And it’s funny, how many people said “I’m proud of you” once I had done it.  It’s a sad situation, it’s not a happy thing, but when so many people seem to be behind you when you do something like that, it makes you feel that much more confident that you made the right choice.

Other things are going on, which are much happier.

Samantha and I are continuing our quest to find the perfect “post-break apartment”.  Since she just broke up with her boyfriend of three years, and I just broke things off with my husband of two years, we’re in the market for the perfect two-bedroom apartment that is somewhere between work and school, isn’t in an unsafe neighborhood, and lets you have cats (Tempest and Tabitha are part of me, they go where I go).  So far, we have a couple of leads, but nothing certain.  I keep my eyes peeled every day on Craigslist.

My friend Drea became a Partylite consultant this past month and had her first party last night, hosted by my little sister.  It was a lot of fun.  In the end, Christina earned $150 worth of free merchandise (and got a lot of really nice things), Drea got some good experience and managed to push through her nerves (and did SO WELL), and I spent my first night, post-divorce filing, not questioning my decisions or feeling bad or crying.  I didn’t cry at all last night.  I drank Barefoot moscato and laughed with my friends and spent a little too much money, but I have more than enough in the bank account right now, a splurge was fun, and Christina promised to return the favor when I have my party in April.

What did I get?  More bird things.  Are you sensing a theme yet?

Bird candle holder.  This is much bigger than it looks — it actually holds a round jar candle, which is why I got it (not really big into the melts).  You can’t see it too well on the white background, but there’s a tiny little bird on the branch!

Another GloLite pillar in Apple Blossom.  I love the way the clusters of different sized pillars look, and I got a free tray from Michaels (with a GC from Christmas, since the ones from Partylite were like $20 and I got that one for $4).

Package of Universal Tealights in Calm Waters.

Natural Rituals Aromatherapy Soy Candle in “Calm” (same fragrance I bought last time — the lavender/rosemary).

You may ask “Why the hell do you need so many candles?”  Well, TBH, my apartment is tiny, not ventilated well, and musty as hell.  Plus, I’d really like to see my friend Drea make a success of her business.  She’s doing something for herself, and that makes me happy.

This Sunday is my sister’s annual Oscar shindig, which I am also looking forward to…tons of food, the Oscars, red carpet-snarkiness…what’s there not to look forward to?

Tonight is my last night of school for the week.  I have a ton of research to do this weekend, as well as cleaning out my old car…oh, did I mention?  I got a new (to me) car this week!  It’s a 2005 Honda Accord with about 100,000 miles on it, dark forest green, leather seats, seatwarmers…love!  I’ll post a picture tomorrow.

And tomorrow is Friday.  The return of Little Victories”, and a little more sanity to my life.

Little Victories, Week Four

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

Week Four:

– Had my first meeting with my thesis instructor and got the all-clear to start research on my capstone paper.  First assignment is an 817-page history book that I affectionately refer to as The Behemoth.  I am on page 85.

– Went out for dinner with Samantha and Aly and dished about boys, marriage, and the future…certainly felt more optimistic and happier about being single again after that talk, and we made plans to meet up for drinks this upcoming week!

– Ran into Marissa from Sephora again, who (sadly) told me that she was laid off after the holiday season.  But we have each other’s email addresses and we’re friending each other on FB.  She’s going to try to work for MAC, or another cosmetics department, so I hope I’ll see her again soon at the mall.

– Found the L’Occitane Rose 4 Reines hand cream that I described in this entry, and realized after applying it that this is the personal scent I’ve been looking for for years, it just screams me and makes me feel so girly and pretty and at peace.  I’ve been scent-less since I gave up wearing the B&BW Black Currant Vanilla that I wore on my wedding day (my olfactory senses are very tied to my memories), so finding something new to wear that just makes me KNOW it’s me was a nice little perk to buying a hand cream for my chapped skin.

– Made it through the horrific cold this week with pipes (thankfully) still intact, due to the efforts of my father (my landlord) yesterday.  With any luck, the cold is going to break today and everything will be all right *fingers crossed*.

– Seriously — SERIOUSLY — contemplated signing up for a study-abroad course in June.  I need to go over my finances and see if I can swing it, but for now, it’s a beautiful, glittery dream that’s keeping me going.

Items put in my 2013 jar: 2.

TGIF!  Have a great weekend!

Little Victories, Week Two

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life. 

Week Two:

– Had a good counseling session with David and DS on Monday, followed by a really good dinner out at 99.  I ordered the barbecue chicken wrap, no tomatoes.  And tried not to watch SportsCenter behind David’s head.  (Unbelievable.  Ten years ago, I was the person getting pissed at my boyfriends for doing the exact same thing.  Look at my life.  Look at my choices.)

Went to Sephora at my local mall on Tuesday afternoon, made a new friend and scored $120 worth of makeup for only $45, thanks to gift cards!

– Good session with Crazy Bruce on Wednesday afternoon, not exactly productive, but he did what he does best and helped me put things into perspective, which sometimes is my biggest challenge.

Started a new knit hat.

– Got about 1/4 of the way through World Without End, the sequel to one of my favorite books, The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett.  It’s pretty good, but it’s not sucking me in like Pillars did, and I’m not feeling the same love for the characters that I did with Pillars.  Most of the characters are pretty flawed creatures, which is one of the reasons why I love Follett; he doesn’t write cardboard-cutout, flat characters.  Reminds me a lot of G.R.R. Martin.  But that’s a story for another day.

– My mom actually acknowledged my anxiety disorder for the first time since I was diagnosed in 2006, and told me that she thinks I’m doing a good job of dealing with it (i.e. going to therapy and taking medication).  I’m taking that as a victory, no matter how small or how long it took her to get to that point.

Well.  In a week where I felt very convoluted, went to a wake, cried a lot, and felt fragile, there was an awful lot of good!

Items added to my 2013 jar: 2

Not too shabby!  Here’s to a good Week 3!

Fresh Starts

It really blows my mind that I am a week away from starting school again.  When did that happen?

This was a weekend of ups and downs.  I made my 2013 jar and already put my first slip of paper into it:

The good news is I had “second Christmas” this weekend, and got a lot of stuff that I wanted.  Including gift cards to Amazon, Sephora, and WEBS (yarn store in Northampton, MA).  I have no idea what I’m going to get.  What would you buywith $75 worth of Sephora gift cards?

The bad news is that there was some major family drama involving D and me that really got bad last night, and incredibly awkward, and I don’t think either of us is really over it (though we have counseling today with DS, which is good).  And the other bad news is that my Great-Aunt Jean died, suddenly, on Saturday.  I found out from reading the paper this morning.  Nobody in my family has told me yet, and it’s been forty-eight hours.  I wouldn’t be as upset if this wasn’t like the third time that this has happened.  Back in July, my great-great uncle died and I didn’t find out the date of the funeral until about two hours before it started.

I’m excited about the football playoffs, though this weekend was the only time I wasn’t going to have my heart in my throat.  I hate that the Texans won, but it was unlikely that the Bengals would win (I would have preferred to see the Bengals play the Patriots next weekend).  And I was thrilled to see Green Bay make it past the Vikings.  Green Bay is my NFC team.  I’m going to be sick all next weekend when the Patriots play the Texans.  I don’t care what anyone says, I know we trounced ’em a few weeks ago, but this is an entirely different game, this is they playoffs and I take nothing for granted.

I am hoping this is going to be a good week.  Last one before Spring Semester starts.  Hard to believe that it’s already been a year since I went back to graduate school.  Making it count 🙂

As Our Eyes Fill With Wonder

Christmas has officially begun!  Fifteen minutes stand between me and two and a half days off.  Presents are wrapped, family is here, and I’m safely ensconced in my parents’ house until they leave on December 26th.  The move has been a little bizarre, but in the long run, not totally unwelcome.  I can’t tell you how much a big, noisy house full of exuberant (and inebriated) people is keeping the sads away.

I find I don’t even miss David as a husband, but I do miss my friend.  And I miss his family.  Though it’s more difficult to miss them when my own family is so raucous, loving, and joy-filled.  I wish they were here all the time.

And my friends.  My friends have been my rocks for the past year.  2012 has been a trip to hell in a handbasket, but I am working my way back to really enjoying life, with the help of my friends (okay, and some moscato).

(Clockwise from lower left): Drea, Christina, me, Joe, Sam, Pat, and Tina — Yule 2012

I can’t imagine how I would have gotten through all of this without these amazing people in my life.

God only knows what I’d be without you.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

That’s How You Know

Rough night turned into a rougher morning when my mom called me at work to remind me that my parents are flipping out because I’m separated, not divorced yet, and I’m turning 30 in nine months and getting older and don’t I want a family and shouldn’t I be thinking about these things?

Holy shit.
I’m almost 30?
I’m separated?
I’m getting older?

Guys, I’m begging you…if you have friends that are separated/getting divorced…please don’t remind them of the fact.  Trust me.  They know.  Most days, it’s impossible to get out of your head.

But honest question…how do you know when it’s time?  Maybe it’s just difficult because it’s the damn holidays and all, but I’m having a bitch of a time throwing in the towel and making a statement about this.  I haven’t deleted D from my FB, I haven’t filed for divorce.  We’re calling a divorce lawyer to mediate all of this in January, so I mean, that’s a certainty.  But…when do you start all this shit?

People are giving me crap for not being done with it already.  It’s weird.  I know there’s nothing left in this marriage for me to work for.  At the same time, I’m terrified of going forward.

How do you know it’s time?

 

“I can’t go on living this way.
And I can’t go back the way I came.”

– Evanescence, “My Heart Is Broken”

Now The Days Seem To Fly

I am DONE with this semester!

(Happy Rapunzel gif totally appropriate right now)

I’m not 100% bouncing off the walls because I’m nervous as hell about my grades.  I never got a grade in one of my classes, and I never got a grade in the other class that was below an A-…but I’m still freaking out.  I have NO IDEA how this is going to pan out.  Especially when, in both classes, the final paper counts for 60% of the final grade.

I have no idea when final grades are due in to the registrar, or when they’ll be posted, so THAT’S FUN.

I will be okay with straight A-‘s.  I will be fine if I get two B+’s.  If I don’t get a B+ in 501, it means I have to retake the course this upcoming semester.

…I can’t find a gif for that.  There is no gif labeled “crawl into a hole and die.”

But this one?  Is pretty close.

ANYCRAP.  This means that I have from now until January 14 for blessed, blessed freedom.

(Side note?  What is this January 14th shit?  Since when do colleges and universities open BEFORE the MLK Jr. holiday?  I miss undergrad.  For more reasons than one.)

I’m moving out of my apartment in three days.  My grandparents are coming up to spend Christmas with the rest of the family and they’re going to be staying in my place, with my girl kitties.  I’m moving into my parents’ house for the duration.  I’m trying not to be too apprehensive about this.

Tonight is going to be dedicated to shopping, wrapping, baking cookies, and watching “Home Alone.”  I am so excited about the next few days.  This week is going to be fantastic.

The Best-Laid Plans And All That Jazz

Some facts:

Days left until Christmas: 15
Days left until 501 paper is due: 8
Days left until 540 paper is due: 2Amount left to do on 501 paper: Revisions (28/25 pages completed)
Amount left to do on 540 paper: Revisions and conclusion (16/20 pages completed)
Knitting projects left to complete: 4

Well…shit.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

It was an extremely emotional and difficult weekend…it’s sad that lately my weekends have been more difficult than my weekdays, mainly because there is so much time to think.  D and I split our bank accounts on Saturday (at last) which is great because I could finally deposit all of my checks that had been piling up (all business, not personal) and start Christmas shopping.  I did a TON of Christmas shopping this weekend (I am nearly done, except with my shopping for friends), and it was mostly online, so I’m waiting for two packages to come in.  Splitting our bank accounts wasn’t as emotionally-draining as the episode with the cat (mentioned in my last entry) and fighting with my parents for most of the weekend.  I also bit the bullet and wrote an email to my MIL, informing her that I can’t come to Christmas this year, and was relieved when she replied with a very thoughtful, sensitive reply.  That’s a huge weight off of my shoulders.  And I got to watch the Saints/Giants game last night…which didn’t end the way I was hoping but oh well.

The good news is that I have two evenings “off” from now until Wednesday (when the 540 paper is due) to write and revise.  The bad news is that I appear to be missing one of the books I need, the one that the professor advised me to use.  I’ve already torn apart D’s apartment looking for it.  So it is…probably somewhere in my car.  I will look there this afternoon when I am out of work.  This afternoon is going to be spent writing and revising.  With any luck I’ll be done with the paper by tonight.  Tomorrow I need to work on whatever I’m bringing to the class potluck finals party on Wednesday night.

Suffice to say, it’s going to be a busy week.  I have something on tap every single day.  At least after Wednesday, the rest of the week is shaping up awesomely:

Thursday: Knit Night!
Friday: Seeing The Hobbit (if we can get advance tickets)
Saturday: My friend J’s party up in Worcester, MA.
Sunday: Helping my parents decorate their Christmas tree.

Just get through the paper…and it’ll all be okay.