State of Unrest

It’s post-hurricane, and I’m feeling even more convoluted than I was before.  I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) back in 2008 as a result of a car accident, and my claustrophobia and agoraphobia (as well as fear of the storm and fear of losing power/something happening to my husband the EMT when he was out on his shift Monday night) made me a complete ball of anxious mess Friday – Monday.  Yesterday I crashed, and crashed hard.  When I crash, I go through a depressive low, and all I do is cry.  It’s really, really productive (/sarcasm).

Fortunately, the due date for my pre-thesis rough draft was pushed back from Tuesday, November 6th, to Tuesday, November 13th.  Happy news.  So I was able to just take a night off and try and recollect myself.  I took a hot bath, put on pjs, knitted more mitred squares, and watched Tudor documentaries on Youtube (because that is how I roll).  I don’t feel 100% better today, but I feel somewhat improved from last night.

I got my official moving date this past weekend.  November 10 – 11.  We made the decision to separate on September 11th, and now, almost two months later, I finally have a date.  And though I knew it’s been coming…for some reason, now, I’m scared, and I’m sad.  I feel like I’m walking away from everything I’ve spent four and a half years working for.  But I know in my heart that there is no other choice.  My husband and I are stagnating in our current living situation.  Though we care for each other very much, and I am still in love with him, he has no passion for me, and something has to give.  We can’t fix anything by living together in this incessant zombie-walk through life.  I told him (through yet another bout of crying last night), that if nothing else, at least we know that, by my moving out, something is going to change.

This weekend I need to go shopping for the few things I need for the new place (TV, bathroom and kitchen essentials, etc).  And I guess it’s time to start packing.  The good thing is that I don’t need to get everything out of the house at one go.  So there’s no need to hire a moving truck and pay extra money.  It’s going to be okay, I can manage this.  The practical side, I have under control.  The emotional side…I’ll get there.

Lately my sleep has been plagued by horrible dreams of death and sadness.  I wake up crying more often than not.  Sleeping alone hasn’t bothered me in months — David has worked overnight shifts ever since he was first hired as an EMT almost a year ago, so I’m quite used to sleeping alone three to four nights out of the week.  But the sad dreams, of destruction and loss and death, are plaguing me.  I’m sure that it’s not my anti-anxiety medication; I’ve been on it for almost two years and it really does work.  I’m guessing it’s more related to the changes in my life that are coming up.

I am so scared that I’m going to fall apart like I did in July when we first attempted separation.  That was horrific.  I was having five or six panic attacks a day, I cried all the time, it was awful.  Granted, I am much more resigned to the situation at this point; plus, it was my decision this time, not his.  But I have to be more careful this time.  I can’t afford to fall apart again.  My semester of college — not to mention my self-respect — can’t withstand another bout of that.

Tonight I am back in class (blech, I was hoping we’d have it off for Halloween), and then I’m off to my friend Jess’s annual Halloween shindig.  I’m going as Rosie the Riveter, as I’ve said before (little shout-out to my love of history, I think from now on I’ll only do history-themed Halloween costumes), and although I’m not in costume, here’s a picture of my head wrap and the button I made that Rosie wears on her lapel in the posters:

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Stay safe.


Hurricane Sandy: If you can read this, be grateful

I’m almost afraid to say it, but I think the worst is over in Connecticut.

I am absolutely stunned and infuriated by the number of people I see online complaining that Hurricane Sandy was overhyped and that they didn’t get any damage or lose power after preparing.  People are actually calling this a “non-event.”

I bet the millions of people without power across the Eastern Seaboard don’t consider it a non-event.

I bet the thousands who are now homeless, or evacuated because their homes are currently underwater along coastal NY, NJ, CT, and MA don’t consider it a non-event.

I bet the families of the poor souls who were killed because of the storm don’t consider it a non-event.

Listen: if you, your family, your house, your car, your pets, your property, belongings and electricity were spared, do society a favor.  Keep your mouth shut, thank whatever deity you believe in that you and yours are healthy and warm and safe, and maybe stick your neck out and do something for those who were less fortunate than yourself.

This or That (Makeup)

I was tagged by NannaSofiaMakeup, so what the hell.  Nothing else is happening today in the wake of Hurricane Sandy (more on that in another entry).

1. Blush or Bronzer?
Not a fan of bronzer at all.  I’ve used it a couple times (though not in years).  My skin is far too pale.  I even need to use a light blush, otherwise I look like a clown.

2. Lipgloss or Lipstick?
Gloss.  I have a lip balm addiction so lipstick usually makes my lips feel even more chapped and dry.  Gloss I can sort of mix with vaseline or lip balm and it makes my lips still feel moistened.

3. Chapstick or Lip butter?
I am allergic to “real” Chapstick and any sort of lip balm that contains beeswax.  So I’d have to go with lip butter.

4. Matte or Sparkle Eyeshadow?
Most of my shadows have sparkle, so I’ll say that.

5. Gel, Liquid, Cream or Pencil Liner?
Pencil because I am pretty much incompetent at the others.  But I love the way that liquid liner looks!

6. Foundation or Concealer?
Fortunately, except for the scars on my right cheekbone from a car accident (and subsequent plastic surgery) in 2005, I have really good (if dry) skin.  So I mainly stick to concealer and skip the foundation.

7. Liquid or Powder Foundation?
I use a liquid concealer and powder cover.

8. Neutral or Statement eye?
Neutral.  I am not competent enough yet to do any sort of “statement” look.

9. Pressed or Loose shadows?
Loose!  My favorite is Bare Minerals.  I love how they go on and STAY on.  I will never go back to pressed shadow again.

10. Waterproof or Non Waterproof?
My mascara and eyeliner are waterproof.

10. Brushes, Sponges or Fingers?
Brushes!  I don’t know how I even applied makeup without them.

11. Powder, Cream or Liquid Highlighters?

Like NannaSofia, I tag everyone who stumbled across this.

Struggling through Hurricane Sandy

It’s been a scary day in New England today.  The roads in Connecticut were closed at 1 PM.  We’re all treed in our houses, and the worst of the storm hit at 6 PM (supposedly).  The wind and the rain are howling pretty badly.  Every second we have power, I’m grateful for.

This is how I’m combating the hurricane:

Barefoot Pink Moscato and squares from the Giant Sock Yarn Blanket.  I started the Blanket a few years ago, but unfortunately the squares I made have gone missing.  Ah well, no big shame, they’re fun to make and take almost no time at all per square.

Everyone stay safe!

My massive crush on Sephora and what I bought there

Confession: Although I’m just starting out on my odyssey of learning how to use makeup, I am completely head-over-heels obsessed with Sephora.  Having a little extra money this past week (and the desire to purchase some better products that I actually enjoy using, I headed over there.

This is what I walked out with:

(Clockwise from top left: Bare Minerals Eyecolor in Waterlily and Queen Tiffany, Sephora Retractable Waterproof Eyeliner in Classic Black, Sephora Classic All Over Shadow Brush Small, and Clinique Almost Lipstick/Long Last Glosswear in Black Honey.)

Bare Minerals Eyecolor — These tiny pots of loose powder eyeshadow are deceptively tiny, but seriously effective!  I tried Waterlily (a pale dusky violet shade) first, and then picked up Queen Tiffany (a tawny copper color).  These brush on very easily over primer, and stay on all day (until I take them off with eye makeup removal).  Each is $14.

Sephora Retractable Waterproof Eyeliner — I bought this on the suggestion of a friend.  The eyeliner is like an eye pencil, but goes on smoothly without running into the corners of my eyes.  It has a tiny smudge sponge on the end, which I haven’t used yet.  It’s $12, and comes in a variety of colors.  I already would like to purchase it in peacock and maybe violet!

Sephora Classic All Over Shadow Brush (Small) — The bristles on this brush are intensely soft!  I picked it up and I just couldn’t put it down again.  Seriously, I will never use one of those spongy little applicators that come free with eyeshadow ever again.  Each is $13.

Clinique Lip Duo — Half of the applicator is Clinique’s Almost Lipstick — which is a sheer lipstick designed to work with your natural lip color and enhance it.  Black Honey appears very dark black-red, but it goes on almost completely sheer.  The other side is Long Last Glosswear, an intensely thick, shiny lip gloss in the same shade.  Both give my lips a reddish tint.  The stick was $21, but I had a 20% off coupon.

No pictures of me wearing any of the above, I spent most of the last two days getting ready for the hurricane that’s planning on slamming New England this week.  Maybe in the future!

For myself

This weekend right now promises to be not a fantastic one.  My husband is gone for the weekend, so I’ll be home alone, trying to prepare for a storm that promises to be just as much of a suck-fest as last year was.  By-the-by, if my class isn’t canceled on Tuesday, I’m going to be livid.  The only good thing about a hurricane/snowstorm is canceled work or class.  Period.

I have a massive to-do list this weekend that involves the following:
– Washing the metric ton of dishes in the sink (before and if we run out of hot water due to the storm)
– Stock up on supplies (i.e. toilet paper, bread, food that doesn’t require heating up).
– Charge everything (Kindle, laptop, etc.)
– Get cracking on at least part of my rough draft of my paper (due November 6th)
– Laundry, laundry, and more laundry

The situation isn’t as dire as it sounds.  My parents live right next door to the town volunteer fire house, so they almost never lose power, and when they do, they are up and running usually within the day.  Last Halloween, when 99% of CT lost power for days, we ended up at my parents’ house for showers and hot food while our power was out.  NBD.

Plus I’ll be there on Sunday regardless to watch the football game and do all of that laundry.  Oh, and research.  More and more research.

But today and tomorrow I am going to take some time for me.  “Me time” (for this weekend) involves:

Trip to Sephora!  I have  been wanting to go for so long.  I’m going to pick up some eyeliner and eyeshadow.  That’s IT (okay, maybe some lipstick).

Getting my eyebrows done.  They need to be waxed in the worst way.  And after I get them waxed I am VOWING to keep them tweezed.  I don’t even care that I hate doing it, or that I’m no good at tweezing.  I WILL LEARN.  Gone are the days of my caterpillar eyebrows.  I am 29 years old, dammit.  I can do this.

Buying the last pieces for my Rosie costume.  I just need a blue oxford and a pair of black flats.  Hell, I need the black flats just for ME (I have no flat shoes, today I’m struggling in my nude wedges).  I also have to make the Westinghouse pin she wears on her lapel.  NBD, again.

– Paper writing.  You knew it was coming.  But really?  It’s a good distraction from the other things that I have going on in my life.  The ones I don’t want to think about.

– Knitting.  I wound some beautiful yarn for another Citron shawl yesterday.  I finished one a few weeks ago (sort of — I botched the stupid ruffle at the bottom and I ran out of yarn), and it isn’t blocked yet.  I want to try it again with the laceweight yarn it actually requires (I used sock weight last time).  I have Dream in Color Wisp in the daylily shade.  Which is actually a lot more pale green and pale pink than it is on that website.  Hopefully 550 yards will be enough this time!


That’s pretty much it.  Hopefully, this weekend will go better than anticipated 🙂

If I’m so harmless, why are you so threatened?

I’m going to talk about something I never bring up.


I know, right?


I am registered Independent.  When it comes to social issues, I am 100% liberal.  When it comes to economic issues, I am about 50-50.  War, gun control?  Liberal.  Education?  Conservative.  It’s tough.  If anything, I am a moderate.  I have always believed that this country (the U.S.) works best when neither of the two major parties has complete control (and I was just a kid during the Clinton administration, but I thought we were doing pretty well back then).

It’s even more tough coming from a religious family that identifies as liberal, and working for a religious organization that identifies itself as conservative.  I’ve worked here for five years.  I have never betrayed a hint of my religious leanings, even in the face of people ridiculing what I believe in.  Because contrary to popular belief, I am not insane, nor do I wish to bring arguments and black stares upon my head.  It makes me angry that I feel I cannot be open about my political ideas here without bringing negativity upon my head.  The few times that people have lambasted my father for his open political leanings in front of me, it has infuriated me.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve seen a lot of people bitching about third party voting.  Conservatives claim that “A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for Obama” and that voting Libertarian, Green Party, or anything other than Democratic or Republican is nothing more than “throwing your vote away.”  Fox News (God I hate Fox News) had an article recently: Why Gary Johnson Could Cost Obama or Romney a Win in 2012.  Johnson himself is going before the public asking you to “waste your vote” on him.  If the public is correct (and hell, sometimes it is), we may have a game-changing race on our hands, like Perot in 1996 or Nader in 2000.

I find myself, at 29, agreeing more and more with the Libertarian party and policies.  Fiscal conservativism, social liberalism.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a moderate (still a liberal-leaning moderate), but I find myself listening to Johnson’s speech during the third-party debate and nodding my head in places.  I am someone who has disavowed the two-party system.  Neither party is working 100% for the people, and I’m starting to wonder, independently, how I feel about that.

I have no hopes or aspirations that Johnson will will; to be honest, I am not even sure that I will vote for him.  I have never voted third-party in an election in the 11 years since I was eligible to vote.  And even if I did, it doesn’t much make a difference: Connecticut has been a blue state in every presidential election since 1988 (although ironically enough, before that, we were a red state all the way back to the 1968 election).  We will be a blue state again.  My little vote hardly matters.

As the public keeps saying “it’s just throwing away your vote” to vote third party.

My question is…if it’s “throwing away” a vote, and hardly matters…why are you big politicians…on both sides…so threatened?


My preliminary topic for my independent study/master’s thesis was pre-approved last night!

(Holy crap, I put a gif in something and it worked.)

I’m not ready to start dancing in the streets just yet, because my adviser (omg she agreed to be my adviser, that is something awesome right there) is hesitant that we will be able to get the primary source that I need to write the paper (an unpublished journal from a British guy in 1863).  But the topic can be tweaked as needed.

So the definites that I have going on here:

1) My thesis adviser (check, and she is AWESOME).
2) Some vague idea of my thesis topic in my field of history (the Civil War, American History – check).
3) A projected graduation date of December ’13 – May ’14 (CHECK CHECK OMG CHECK).

Again, I’m not ready to start celebrating quite yet, because we haven’t hammered out all the deets.  But even having an idea, and knowing that I can start my independent project in January…is amazing.

And yeah, there’s that stupid little voice in my head that goes well it’s about fucking time, you started graduate school in 2006, it’s going to take you almost NINE YEARS to get your M.A.

To which I reply, a M.A. that takes nine years to obtain is better than no M.A. at all.

So there.


Somedays you just have to sit back and accept the inevitable.  And it doesn’t always have to be negative.

For example, today I am embracing

Skinny jeans tucked into faux-Uggs.  I have never really been on board with this trend (although I love my faux-Uggs something fierce).  But after realizing yesterday that I left my only pair of flats up in Massachusetts at my IL’s…and that my feet cannot stand another day in my knee-high fitted flat boots…I dug my faux-Uggs out of the closet and slipped them over my skinny jeans.

Words can’t describe.  It’s amazing.  Like wearing slippers to work.  This isn’t going to be an everyday thing, but damn, I’m enjoying it today.

A projected graduation date of December 2013.  I don’t even care that I originally planned to graduate in 2007 (life gets in the way, you know?).  I’m waiting right now for one of my teachers to approve my thesis topic…and hopefully take me on as her advisee.  If all goes as planned, I’ll start my independent study (research and prospectus) in Spring 2013, and write my thesis in Fall of 2013.  Hopefully done by either December 2013 or Spring 2014.  Praying for the former.

The benefits of eye makeup remover.  I bought Maybelline Expert Eyes Moisturizing Eye Makeup Remover ($4, Target) yesterday, and holy crap that stuff WORKS.  Also, no more burning eyes while trying to remove my makeup with regular cleansing pads (did I mention that I’m an idiot?).

Christmas is coming.  I’ve been trying to avoid it, but working where I do (for a church), it’s impossible.  The Thanksgiving drive is in full swing.  The Christmas letters have been ordered.  And now every time I go to the store, I see Christmas stuff everywhere.  Plus Dunkin Donuts is already releasing a “peppermint mocha” blend of coffee and yes, I’m tempted to bring it into work.  I love the holidays.  I’ve been nervous about them coming up and how I would feel this year, but I feel a little better about them now, having spoken to my MIL.  Maybe I’ll be in the Christmas mood yet.

Higher education frustration


It’s done.

My prospectus is 20 pages long.  It was supposed to be 10.  I am hoping this doesn’t mean that I’m going to get docked points.  I went through it about 10 times and really, there isn’t any place I can cut.  Also, I’d rather be over my page allotment than under it.

Argh.  I’m trying not to worry about it.


As for my personal appearance:

Not 100% loving my makeup today.  My face feels really dry and itchy, which is mainly the result of not enough moisturizer.  I was trying to stretch my bottle out a few more days but I’m going to just bite the bullet this afternoon at Target.  Also, need to get some eye makeup remover.  The makeup remover pads that I have are making my eyes burn (in other news, I am a cheapskate.  And an idiot).

Mentally?  Eh.  I’m feeling okay.  A little down today, but I think that’s mainly because I have a three-hour class ahead of me that I really don’t feel like going to.  I hate Tuesday nights — between the rush between work and class, and then knowing I have to get up and do the whole thing again tomorrow, my energy is sapped.

Enough about negativity though.  Hopefully tonight will go well.  And it’s really great to have that paper off my shoulders.