I am not

I hate to write “downer” entries, but this blog is called “Honestly, Megan”, and I can’t always be 100% optimistic.  I am not feeling well today.  Part of that is due to staying up until almost 1 AM watching the Oscars.

Part of it is because D told MIL yesterday that he wants a divorce…and then told me on the phone how truly miserable he is.  All this time I’ve been telling myself how happy he is, how much he wanted this, when in reality, it’s not that he wanted it, it’s because he was too scared to do anything except step aside and let this marriage fall to pieces.

Part of it is because I look back on the last two years and see a beautiful relationship that imploded, and it just hurts, it hurts to see every hope and dream we ever had in shambles, damaged and irreparable.

Part of it is because I am so tired that it truly hurts.

Part of it is because I am tired of crying, and I’m even more tired of people telling me that I am foolish for crying, foolish for hurting.  I hate that certain people act like I have to put on a happy face all the time, because sometimes, I am anything but happy.  Sometimes I need to grieve.  Sometimes I need to hurt, and shunting my feelings under the rug?  Doesn’t help.

I am sorry that my crying and my pain and my grief is offensive to people.  I am sorry if people think I am better than that, and in reality, I am not.  That I am tough and strong and I DGAF that my marriage fell apart, that the man I love changed into a completely different person, that even though so many have told me that this isn’t my fault, I still feel responsible because we were each other’s responsibility and I never realized that something was really this wrong until it was too late.

I’m sorry that people don’t want to see the mess left behind.  They want me to feel nothing.  They want me to be stronger, and I’m not.  I’m just me.  Honestly Megan.  Just me.

And even though it’s just one more nail in the coffin, and a nail I’d been expecting, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt like hell when it goes in.

This is not going to be an easy ride.  You can get off it at any time.  I can’t.  I am in this until the end.  It’s started, I can’t stop it, and I only have two choices.  Ride it out, and pray that there’s something good at the end.  Or throw myself out and die.  I can’t do the latter, so it has to be the former.  I’m sorry if the ride is longer than you thought it would be.  It’s much, much longer than I expected, myself.

But I have no choice, I have to ride it out.  Ride or die.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you can go.  This is unfortunately as good as it’s going to get right now.  I can’t promise that it will get better soon, but I can promise that it will get better.  I just don’t know when.

Right now, it just hurts.  And I need to grieve.  I don’t mean shut myself in my room, I am not doing that.  I am not sitting here mourning all the time.  But I am going to break down and cry.  I am going to be sad.  I am not going to be gleeful as my soon to be ex husband falls apart.  I can’t sit and calmly talk about severing the marriage that we so lovingly built up.  I can’t think about seeing my MIL for the last time, of never seeing my IL’s again, and not tear up.

I am not made of stone.  And I can’t apologize for that.

Frederick William Elwell – The Wedding Dress, 1911

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Little Victories, Week Eight

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

– The  biggest thing, the most bittersweet thing, obviously, is that I filed for divorce.  It is by no means a “happy” victory, but getting over my terror of filing and what would happen afterwards was a huge step.

– Finished (and reviewed) A World On Fire.

– Reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in quite a while — I went to Worcester on Saturday to see Jackie, Pomfret on Saturday night to see Leanne and Mandy and other college friends, and Bridgeport on Monday to see Rob.  I also spent most of Wednesday talking to my friend Lyndsey online, about writing, history, and the like.

– I finally came clean to my thesis adviser, Dr. LW, that I was getting a divorce.  And though I had been dreading this for some time…it actually went okay.

– Bought a new (to me) car!  And because my camera is being a whore, this is what it looks like (this is not my car, I stole this image from someone else):

Things added to my 2013 jar: Two.

Have a happy Friday and a great weekend!

 

A quick succession of busy nothings

I fully expected to feel run-down, exhausted, unhappy today, and in reality, I feel better than I have all week.  I don’t much want to talk about the filing process, but I’m very, very glad that I did it and that I can stop dreading it now.  Everything’s started, there’s no going back.  Well, there could be, considering that Connecticut has a mandatory 90-day waiting period for divorces, but I don’t foresee it happening at all.  And it’s funny, how many people said “I’m proud of you” once I had done it.  It’s a sad situation, it’s not a happy thing, but when so many people seem to be behind you when you do something like that, it makes you feel that much more confident that you made the right choice.

Other things are going on, which are much happier.

Samantha and I are continuing our quest to find the perfect “post-break apartment”.  Since she just broke up with her boyfriend of three years, and I just broke things off with my husband of two years, we’re in the market for the perfect two-bedroom apartment that is somewhere between work and school, isn’t in an unsafe neighborhood, and lets you have cats (Tempest and Tabitha are part of me, they go where I go).  So far, we have a couple of leads, but nothing certain.  I keep my eyes peeled every day on Craigslist.

My friend Drea became a Partylite consultant this past month and had her first party last night, hosted by my little sister.  It was a lot of fun.  In the end, Christina earned $150 worth of free merchandise (and got a lot of really nice things), Drea got some good experience and managed to push through her nerves (and did SO WELL), and I spent my first night, post-divorce filing, not questioning my decisions or feeling bad or crying.  I didn’t cry at all last night.  I drank Barefoot moscato and laughed with my friends and spent a little too much money, but I have more than enough in the bank account right now, a splurge was fun, and Christina promised to return the favor when I have my party in April.

What did I get?  More bird things.  Are you sensing a theme yet?

Bird candle holder.  This is much bigger than it looks — it actually holds a round jar candle, which is why I got it (not really big into the melts).  You can’t see it too well on the white background, but there’s a tiny little bird on the branch!

Another GloLite pillar in Apple Blossom.  I love the way the clusters of different sized pillars look, and I got a free tray from Michaels (with a GC from Christmas, since the ones from Partylite were like $20 and I got that one for $4).

Package of Universal Tealights in Calm Waters.

Natural Rituals Aromatherapy Soy Candle in “Calm” (same fragrance I bought last time — the lavender/rosemary).

You may ask “Why the hell do you need so many candles?”  Well, TBH, my apartment is tiny, not ventilated well, and musty as hell.  Plus, I’d really like to see my friend Drea make a success of her business.  She’s doing something for herself, and that makes me happy.

This Sunday is my sister’s annual Oscar shindig, which I am also looking forward to…tons of food, the Oscars, red carpet-snarkiness…what’s there not to look forward to?

Tonight is my last night of school for the week.  I have a ton of research to do this weekend, as well as cleaning out my old car…oh, did I mention?  I got a new (to me) car this week!  It’s a 2005 Honda Accord with about 100,000 miles on it, dark forest green, leather seats, seatwarmers…love!  I’ll post a picture tomorrow.

And tomorrow is Friday.  The return of Little Victories”, and a little more sanity to my life.

Review: A World On Fire by Amanda Foreman

My work on the biggest book I’ve ever had to read for school has finally come to an end.

Now it is time for the tale!

A World On Fire: Britain’s Crucial Role in the American Civil War by Amanda Foreman is less a book than it is an insanely-detailed anthology of two nations experiencing growing pains.  I need not go into detail about the American Civil War — even an elementary school student can give a concise (if oversimplified) summary of the causes and events.  But Great Britain was struggling with a changing national identity in the mid-19th century as well, though it was not as explosive or damaging as America’s.  The Industrial Revolution had changed GB’s economy, Parliament was fiercely divided among Conservatives and Liberals who constantly argued over the pros and cons of the so-called “republican experiment” (a derisive term for American government), and while its former colonies struggled, the British went back and forth between showing their support for either side and maintaining a strict policy of neutrality.

Foreman has done an exhaustive amount of research, yet her writing style is definitely more “popular” than “historiographical”.  The result is a book that can be easily read, yet also used as a secondary source for a scholarly article or paper (hence my interest in it).  Its length, and the sheer volume of information contained therein, were the only downsides in my opinion.  In trying to cram everything — battles, economics, politics, trade, finances, diplomacy — into one book, Foreman wrote something so massive that it’s difficult to wrap one’s brain around.

But it is in the individual stories where she truly shines.  Explaining the motivations and thought processes of many of the players in this extraordinary event in history is what Foreman really does best, and her storytelling is phenomenal.

Length: Goodreads says 988.  My copy was over 1,000, but a large portion of this is eaten up by notes and bibliography.  The actual number of pages read was 817.  Still hefty, but not nearly 1,000 or over.

Recommend: Yes

To Whom: I would generally say to the historian or history-enthusiast; I think it is really too large and detailed to hold the interest of the casual fan.

Rating: ****

Yarn Along! – February 20, 2013

Thank you for your kind thoughts and comments on my entry about depression.  I don’t want to say that I feel 100% better today — I feel much better, but still fragile, like there are tiny cracks along the edges that could rupture at any minute — but there’s sun out, both outside and in here, and I do feel some sort of improvement.  Plus today is a Crazy Bruce day.  Which generally means good things.

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The good news that I haven’t shared yet?  I finished The Behemoth on Sunday!  Yes, yes!  817 pages DONE!  A review will be forthcoming (aren’t you excited?  I used to post “Book Reviews You Won’t Care About” on my old blog as a joke; maybe I should bring that back), but for now I’m just slogging ahead.

The book that I’m currently reading (for fun) on my Kindle is still Why You Think the Way You Do: The Story of Western Worldviews From Rome to Home by Dr. Glenn Sunshine.  According to Lenore, my trusty Kindle Fire (I name my electronics after Edgar Allen Poe characters; my old Kindle is Annabelle Lee), I am 53% finished with it.  I am really enjoying it; although it is nonfiction history, Dr. Sunshine writes with the same dry wit that he uses during his lectures in our classes.  When I read it, I am reading it in his voice, which is pretty funny.

I am also reading Jean Plaidy’s The Rose Without a Thorn, a piece of historical fiction about Katherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII of England.  So far, it’s pretty good — I’m a little turned-off by her botching of Katherine’s age (it is widely believed that she was between age 15 and 17 when she married Henry; in the book she is 18 when she first comes to court).  But I am liking Plaidy’s choice to make Katherine a deeper, more sympathetic character than she is usually portrayed in media (thank you, Philippa Gregory).

As for knitting, I’m still plugging away on the Honey Cowl.  I never have enough time to do more than a couple of rows a day, so it’s taking much longer than it should.  However, it’s an easy pattern to memorize and I am enjoying the mindlessness of it.

Hooking up with Ginny at Small Things…

Depression

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and PTSD back in 2008 (well, PTSD in 2006, anxiety disorder in 2008, if we’re being fair).  I have never experienced depression.  I mean, we all have our moments.  But I’ve never had five days where I’ve just cried, and cried, and been lethargic, and done nothing, feeling broken and unable to pick the pieces up again.

So much has happened in the last few days that I just…can’t comprehend.  The short story is that, after a slew of really painful incidents last Wednesday – Friday, I hit a point where I just stopped.  it was like a piece of my brain broke, and I couldn’t get it under control again.  And where I’ve cried probably buckets of tears since September 2011…I probably cried the equivalent of that just between Wednesday, February 13, and Sunday, February 17.  Generally over the past year, I’ve been okay when I’ve been around other people.  That isn’t the case anymore.  I cry anywhere, any time, and it’s…inconvenient, to say the least.  Embarrassing, to say the most.

But the worst comes after dark.  When I’m alone in my apartment, and the thoughts that used to eat me alive when I was a teenager come back. 

I am a bad person.  I must be.
Things like this don’t happen to good people.
If I was a good person, my husband wouldn’t have cheated on me.
My friend wouldn’t have lied to me.
My boss wouldn’t have yelled at me today.

My parents wouldn’t be disappointed in me.
If I was a good person, these things wouldn’t happen to me.

I don’t feel strong anymore.  I don’t feel sure anymore.  And if you get all psychological, this is just one more step on the Kubler-Ross grief scale, and I was going to get here eventually.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, every minute I go through it, every day.

I’ve tried slogging through it, pushing through, thinking to myself I am better than this, I will not let myself fall apart.  But in the end, it just prolongs the inevitable.  And I get more upset with myself for falling apart, when it does.

I am afraid to go to my friends, or my family.  I am afraid of being judged or being a burden on anyone.  I cry all the time, and I pick the skin from my fingers (I didn’t realize until this morning that this is a thing that people do when they’re anxious or depressed, I figured it was just something that I did that was fucked-up), and after months and months of pushing through and being strong and being okay, I’m on a downward spiral that just goes nowhere, ends nowhere.

The one person who promised he’d stick by me and be there for me regardless of anything, isn’t there anymore.  Doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t love me or care about me.

I’ve known this since April 2012.  You’d think I’d be over it by now.  I thought I’d be over it by now.

But I’m not.  And I hate that I’m not.

Little Victories, Week Seven

For 2013, I’m going to have a Friday post every single week, for positive victories in my life.  They may not be big things, but they will be things that I am proud of, things I did in the past seven days.  I’m hoping this will keep me focused on the positive, all the good things that are going on in my life.

Told my boss that I was getting divorced and planning on applying for an annulment.  This may not seem like a big thing, but it definitely was.

– Finalized payment schedule and plans for buying my dad’s car (should be happening after he gets back from Florida next weekend).

– Made it through my first Valentine’s Day single since 2008 (yes, I’m considering this a victory, and I think anyone else who is getting divorced or is divorced would understand).

– Found my class ring from Salve Regina University — it had been lost for the better part of two years.

– Applied for a trainee position at Wildfire Retreat in August!  This will be my fourth Wildfire, and I’m really hoping I get the position…I think volunteering will be a lot of fun and really good for me to concentrate on.

That’s pretty much it for little victories.

I spent the rest of my evening last night at my friend Jess’s house…she made beef Wellington and some delicious potatoes and we watched stupid movies and laughed a lot.  I got my Partylite stuff in from her party on Super Bowl Sunday.  I didn’t spend a ton because I really didn’t have a lot of money to spend that weekend, but here’s what I got:

A tealight holder shaped like a little bird (I love birds):

A GloLight pillar candle in “Apple Blossom”:

And a set of tealights in “Calm” (lavender/rosemary-scented):

Christina’s hosting another party this week.  I’m already looking at new stuff.

This weekend, I’m going to see my friend Jackie tomorrow (we’re going to go to Sephora and do some major damage), and then (hopefully, if it doesn’t snow) to my friend Leanne’s birthday party Saturday night.  Sunday my dad leaves for Florida for a week.  And Monday I’m going to dinner with my high school friend (and senior prom date) Rob.

Have a good weekend and a happy Friday, everyone!

Ommmmmmm

Today I am a mess.  I realized last night that D’s stupid car payments are still coming out of my bank account, and when I called him to try and rectify the situation, he ignored my phone call and has thus far ignored my texts, except for one excuse saying he could put the money in my PayPal account (I don’t have one), and refusing to respond to any other forms of communication.  I’m not sure where he is, or who he’s with, but I definitely have my suspicions, and I’m betting they are right.  They usually are.

This resulted in a massive panic attack last night, another one today…and today I hurt.

It’s not even because it’s Valentine’s Day (though I could definitely live without the hearts and happy little sentiments on FB all day), and I’m “single.”  If anything, it’s because I just can’t believe sometimes that the person I fell in love with, the man I married, the human being I thought I knew so well, could turn out to be this selfish, this cruel.

How could my judgment have been so poor?

There’s nothing I can do about it now.  I can’t get that $148 back until he deigns to contact me.  I’m seeing Crazy Bruce in about an hour, so that’s…something.  I’m going to my friend Jess’s tonight for “Valentine’s Day” and I made chocolate almond gooey cakes for it.

Nothing to do for now, except say “Ommmmmm” and try to relax.  No sense in worrying about what can’t  be fixed.

There was a bright spot in the last 48 hours.  When I went to D’s yesterday (we’ll skip over how incredibly sketchy he was being about having “things to do” — probably getting ready to go where I think he is right now), I was going through my old nightstand and I found a box of junk jewelry.  It fell open and the contents rained out, and out fell my undergrad class ring, which had been missing for about two years.

My white gold, mother-of-pearl, Salve Regina University class of ’05 ring.  I was so, so happy.  I thought it was gone for good.

(The more astute among you will notice that I’m wearing it on my left hand.  It doesn’t fit on my right ring finger anymore, and I figured today, after the events of last night and this morning, was as good a day as any to stop wearing my wedding band.)

Yarn Along! – February 13, 2013

Happy Ash Wednesday!  I guess it seems sort of odd to wish someone a “happy” Ash Wednesday, since Lent on a whole isn’t a very cheerful season of anticipation, the way Advent is.  And it seems like we JUST finished Christmas a few weeks ago.  I am really hoping, after the disaster which was Easter 2011 (D acted like a jerk all weekend) and Easter 2012 (D told me he wanted to separate), that Easter 2013 is a resounding success and a reminder of just why I used to love the holiday so much.

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I am working on a Honey Cowl on US 8’s with a skein of Noro Chirimen that my friend Drea bought for me last year at a closeout sale for $5 a skein (I know, Noro for $5!  It’s unheard of!).  It’s a very soft blend of cotton, silk, and wool — not very stretchy but still nice and soft.

As for what I am reading?  Well, of course, The Behemoth, but at over 1,000 pages (including notes and bibliography) it’s not exactly something I take with me to work, so I leave it at home.  On my Kindle, I am reading Why You Think The Way You Do: The Story of Western Worldviews from Rome to Home by Dr. Glenn Sunshine, who just happens to be one of my professors.  Dr. S. is big into the whys and wherefores of worldview, and the book is (thus far) very good.  I’m only into like…chapter five, I think?  But I am enjoying it.

Random bonus picture of me with Tabby, my little kitty:

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She was not thrilled to be part of the picture.

Hooking up with Ginny over at Small Things