Today I am a mess. I realized last night that D’s stupid car payments are still coming out of my bank account, and when I called him to try and rectify the situation, he ignored my phone call and has thus far ignored my texts, except for one excuse saying he could put the money in my PayPal account (I don’t have one), and refusing to respond to any other forms of communication. I’m not sure where he is, or who he’s with, but I definitely have my suspicions, and I’m betting they are right. They usually are.
This resulted in a massive panic attack last night, another one today…and today I hurt.
It’s not even because it’s Valentine’s Day (though I could definitely live without the hearts and happy little sentiments on FB all day), and I’m “single.” If anything, it’s because I just can’t believe sometimes that the person I fell in love with, the man I married, the human being I thought I knew so well, could turn out to be this selfish, this cruel.
How could my judgment have been so poor?
There’s nothing I can do about it now. I can’t get that $148 back until he deigns to contact me. I’m seeing Crazy Bruce in about an hour, so that’s…something. I’m going to my friend Jess’s tonight for “Valentine’s Day” and I made chocolate almond gooey cakes for it.
Nothing to do for now, except say “Ommmmmm” and try to relax. No sense in worrying about what can’t be fixed.
There was a bright spot in the last 48 hours. When I went to D’s yesterday (we’ll skip over how incredibly sketchy he was being about having “things to do” — probably getting ready to go where I think he is right now), I was going through my old nightstand and I found a box of junk jewelry. It fell open and the contents rained out, and out fell my undergrad class ring, which had been missing for about two years.
My white gold, mother-of-pearl, Salve Regina University class of ’05 ring. I was so, so happy. I thought it was gone for good.
(The more astute among you will notice that I’m wearing it on my left hand. It doesn’t fit on my right ring finger anymore, and I figured today, after the events of last night and this morning, was as good a day as any to stop wearing my wedding band.)