For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking that looking back on 2012 would be the last thing I’d ever want to do. This definitely was the worst year of my life to date; why would I want to look back on it? But over the last few days, I’ve been saying, with confidence, “2013 is going to be AWESOME” and you know what, I mean it. Yeah, I’m probably getting divorced this upcoming year, but so many other amazing things are going to happen — I’m determined to make happen — and a little self-reflection is never a bad thing.
And then I went to Salty Mom‘s blog and saw that there is a 2012 Review thing going on, and thought…why not.
I wasn’t keeping this blog then (I didn’t start writing here until October, I think), but I have a journal, so I can remember what was happening. So here’s January – March, 2012.
January: January started off well. D and I had a New Year’s party at our house, which he missed most of because he was working. I remember crying at midnight, not because I didn’t have someone to kiss, but because I was terrified that 2012 would be another rough year like 2011 and I didn’t “think I could stand it.” Ha, what little I knew of what I could stand back then!
The first full week of January was spent cruising from Florida to Mexico and back with D and his family. I drank my way through most of that vacation and it was delightful. Definitely the best part of 2012.
In all honesty, the night before we docked in Miami and flew back to Connecticut, I thought about how badly I wish it would never end, because I knew going back home would just bring us back to all the negativity that was there.
As predicted, we got back to Connecticut and the good feelings we had sort of evaporated. We continued to go on our way of trying to make our marriage work…which didn’t quite pan out.
A momentous thing happened though, at the end of January: I re-enrolled in graduate school! This was, without a doubt, the best thing I did for myself in 2012. I went back to school part time, taking two classes (History of Colonialism, and History of Sex and Gender in the United States), and though I was apprehensive, I was excited to be back!
February: We continued to see our marriage counselor, DS, in the hopes of things improving. Valentine’s Day was a little forced — but I think we honestly were trying to make each other happy. David bought me pearl earrings; I bought him DVDs.
March: I continued kicking ass in school. David bought a car (2007 Toyota Camry) and our days of sharing one vehicle came to a blissful end. I went to my friend Tina’s bridal shower:
We also bought tickets to our second Wildfire Retreat, for May.
The end of March brought an end to my disillusion and delusions, as I would find out later. It wouldn’t be the last time I would trick myself into believing my life could stay the way that it was…but all of that came crashing down on the first week of April.
Well. This is getting super-depressing! I say now: there ARE some good things coming! It was just a really rough year.
More to come next Friday.