I didn’t expect to feel as raw as I did after this holiday. I didn’t expect to fall apart. I didn’t expect so many people around me to fall apart. I didn’t expect my views of people to change.
I miss my happy little life. The least productive thing I could do is daydream about waking up, and having it be Christmas 2010, and none of this has happened, and oh, somehow I’ll be able to prevent it from happening. At the very least, I have time to prevent it. I would think of some way.
My husband is a shadow of his former self.
My MIL tried not to cry on the phone over Thanksgiving.
My mom and dad are on the outs.
I’m just…lost. It’s so hard. And I miss the joy, the love, the happiness that I used to have. I miss it.
But I don’t have the luxury of falling down and crying and waiting for someone else to pick up my pieces. That’s life.
I just keep hoping and praying and trying to trust that there will be an end and a peace and the right decision made.