I managed to finish my 25-page draft yesterday on my day off. Thanks, boss, for giving me that.
My mother told me on Sunday morning that I can move whenever I want. I have class tonight and tomorrow, so I’ll start moving things over on Thursday, furniture on Saturday, and cats on Sunday. My first full night sleeping in the apartment will be Sunday night.
I’m having difficulty teasing out how I feel about all of this. While I know that it’s necessary and that nothing in my life is going to change as long as we’re still living together, I’m sad, and I’m scared. My main fear is that I’m going to crack and break the way I did back in July when we first attempted separation (I’ll spare you the sordid details, but I made it two nights before I came home). My therapist (affectionately referred to as “Crazy Bruce”) says he has confidence that this won’t happen this time. I wish I had the same confidence in myself.
I’m just tired of being in pain all the time. I’m tired of hurting, because of all of this. I’ve been in pain and dealing with this for over a year now…and while that was my decision to try and stick this marriage out and make it work, it’s taken a larger toll on me than I ever considered possible.
I’m also going through a friend breakup right now that isn’t helping. Granted, when it happens it’s going to be my decision, but at the same time I’ve been pushed to the breaking point by someone who has been incredibly callous and insensitive during these entire proceedings, while demanding that I must be there and happy for her 24 hours a day. She’s rude to my sister, rude to my friends, and rude to me behind my back, and I just can’t tolerate someone in my life who is that immature when it comes to how they handle their relationships with people.
All of this is adding up to me feeling very low and sad this week, which is unfortunate. Because the holidays are coming and I AM excited about that. I’m happy and grateful that I’ve (thus far, knock on wood) received nothing but A’s in my classes, that my paper drafts are done, that even if the move isn’t what I wanted, it’s definitely what was necessary…I mean, these are all good things. I just feel a little rough and fragile this week, which smarts, but it is what it is.
Hopefully I’ll perk up in the next day or so.